Another Girl Gone
October 25th, 2025
Dreary Embarcadero. Rain and cloud cast shade across the bay.
I went to the farmer's market and bought groceries. Then Caltrain'd down to San Jose and ate at a Vietnamese place downtown. I returned my Oura Ring. Biked around and explored SJSU and up to Japantown. Then did some work at the MLK library while waiting for dinner with J, the niece.
Below is what I wrote after that dinner:
Air Conditioner
The air conditioner on the train is loud. I am in an empty train car, looking out into the black night. Suburban lights whisper back to my cloudy gaze.
My eyes are flickering. I had a panic attack and dissociation episode with J, the niece.
I can't remember the details, they're fuzzy. But I wasn't having a good time, and she could tell. I think she wanted out too.
Tonight was not a fun night.
I hope she is okay.
I probably won't message her again. Another girl I'll think about in the back of my memories.
I met her for dinner, and she was beautiful. I knew in my stomach that she could do better than me.
We ate with awkward, stilted conversation. I couldn't be that non-judgemental, curious self today. I shot back with judgemental remarks and comments for some reason— I don't know why I was agitated.
I wanted to leave. On the spot. I was not in a good headspace to have a nice dinner.
It's no different from the first date of my life where I just bailed immediately after fifteen minutes. I had a panic attack. I left that girl in tears, alone in the rain, and confused as to what she did wrong.
Today, we drove around in circles, to crash some block party, then some sweet treat, and then some parking lot. Then she dropped me off at the train station, and I bid her goodbye.
This will probably be the last time I see her.
Why am I like this?
"The world is all that is the case, and the meaning of language is in its use."
Heaven
To of it all, what of it?
So be it.
I must accept the world as is the case.
"So you're just going to accept being alone for the rest of your life?"
"I will."
"You're lying. You're going to be sad and depressed and frustrated and—"
"I will."
"Yeah so—"
"I will be sad and depressed and frustrated and lonely."
"And don't you want to do something about it?"
"Sure."
"So what are you going to do."
"Sit with the feeling for now."
"You just ruined a young girl's night, you know that, right?"
"I do."
"Don't you feel bad, guilty?"
"I do."
"And?"
"And I'm going to sit with the feeling. It's true. My life is a wreck at the moment."
"..."
"Yeah."
Where the wind flows, I go.
That's all there is to it.
Keep Going Forward
When I am sad, the best thing to do is to read my old blog entries. They usually have good advice in there.
Today I read Bob Marley and Life is a Journey.
Remember to take it easy. I think "The world is all the case" is no longer my catchphrase, but something more like, "Wherever the wind flows, I go." Or something cheesy like that.
Just, wherever I go, I go, you know?
Where the breeze blows.