Life is a Journey
June 8th, 2025
In Siddartha by Herman Hesse, a young man seeks life's meaning through a series of transformations: first as the son of a Brahmin, then a wandering ascetic, later a wealthy merchant, and finally a humble ferryman. Though meandering, each incarnation brings him closer to peace.
Similarly, in Moby-Dick, Ishmael wrestles with existential despair. But rather than taking the act, he "quietly takes to the ship," driven by fear of spiritual waste. In contrast to Ishmael's humility, Ahab confronts life's mystery with arrogance, chaining his meaning to the whale and sinking beneath his obsession.
The morals of such great stories are to face life's mysteries in dignity; not to be overwhelmed, overcome, or overwrought by her grandiosity. We try to curate meaning within through language, story, and thought. The great thinkers are our rebellion against the absurd, making sense of a chaotic world.
The phrase "life is a journey" is more than a cliché, it is in some ways the most moving sense of the world. It is as Roosevelt said, "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor."
Making Sense of My World
She dumped me. I think I was too rushed and too focused on the end result. Which was getting married and entering a long-term relationship.
I'm thankful she did that. She was the right person at the right place, and taught me exactly what I needed to know. I realized I was so pre-occupied with the future and anxious about it that I was starting to clamp down and control. It's happened to me so many times before, as the boundaries come down and the walls come down my truest, rawest sense of self comes out. The one afraid of being at home, and one desparate for a safe home to call home.
I wish her a good life. But I'm back on the dating apps with a new mindset now. I don't think I'll be so prudish about sex and intimacy in the future, I realize that I would've readily given my first time to that girl even if we separated like this. It's good.
And I don't think having multiple partners is the worst thing in the world. Not until you agree to commit, at least. I'm starting to see why the intelligence in this area of the world is so high, well, people become more risk-adverse, and of course you diversify while having fun.
Additionally, it leads to personal growth.
I used to be staunch in my conservative morals, but it looks like it's decaying. I think in any sense of the world, I am changing and transforming to be someone I could've never imagined I'd become, and I feel like I'm doing so regretably honestly. But it's rationally a good decision.
I just feel morally corrupt. I don't like using people for anything, whether it's growth or sex or whatever. Yet in many ways you can frame it not as using people but experiencing what life has to offer in its fullest by meeting as many people as you can. Whether they are shallow or deep connections is yet to be determined, but valuing how you interact with people. Well, that's all the difference.
But perhaps Ishmael has a point, and that I ought to really just hop on the ship, and wander with the wind. Wherever the wind goes, and whatever happens happens.
Who have I been?
- A young boy emotionally, physically, and sexually abused
- A misanthropic potential school shooter and stalker
- A frustrated anime-loving self-hating video-game-addicted incel
- A monk-like student who'd found peace in dying alone
- A wealthy, easygoing engineer who's discovering what physical life has to offer
- And who knows what's next? Maybe I'll take to sea.
Perhaps I want to get stronger so I could work as a deckhand. I, uh, don't really know.
Take it Easy
Yeah, I think. I think I should really just take it easy. Life is kind of messy anyway, and you know people are messy too.
It's okay. Yeah, there's this and that and that and this and all over there and there over here and then and where and when and which and all that. Take it easy :)
Yeah, I get that feeling I'm not enough. I just sit on it now. I get that feeling of anxiousness and freezing up. I just sit on it now, don't really fight it. I'm anxious? Just be anxious. I'm not enough? Okay, I'll sit with that feeling for a while. I'm feeling depressed and negative? Sounds good to me.
I feel like it's resignation? It's resignation. I think it's acceptance? It's acceptance. I think it's going with the wind and waves? Then it's with the wind and waves.
I try not to be internally inconsistent, but if I am, what's there to lose? If I'm internally inconsistent, then I'm internally inconsistent!