Bob Marley
February 8th, 2025
I feel happy. Exhausted. These past few days I've been sitting in the car talking to myself and crying. I finally gave myself permission to feel all the emotions back then.
I started listening to Bob Marley. I found a bit of peace just dancing in my room to "One Love / People Get Ready."
I started accepting how I felt. The whole spectrum of my human condition. From abused to abuser. To lover and hater. And all the way from anger to peace.
Yeah, I was sexually abused as a child. Yeah, I've felt pedophilic urges. Yeah, I've felt the need to oogle women. Yeah, I've felt uncomfortable with my sexuality. Yeah, I was physically abused as a child. Yeah, I was bullied at school. Yeah, I've fantasized about shooting up my school. Yeah, I fantasized about bashing the head of a homeless guy against the pavement last week. I feel depressed. I feel like I want to kill myself. I feel angry at the world. I feel anger at myself and self-loathing. I feel guilty. I feel afraid. I feel cowardly. I feel like running. I feel scared. I feel hate.
But the smile of a friend. Complimenting a stranger. Dancing at a party. The pleasant feeling of giving flowers to a loved one. Holding the hand of someone old and frail. Sharing tears with a trusted friend. Comforting a crying child. Drinking with smiles. The life of a party. Cheering for a team. Walking in a park. The smile of the cashier. The sweet smell after the rain. The cold trickle of rain on your nose when you're all bundled up in a parka. The view of mountains, stretching far into the sunset.
I accept the anger. I accept the pain. I accept the fear. I accept the need to abuse and the need to not be abused. I accept the love. I accept the kindness. I accept the sadness and depression. I accept it all.
This world is so cruel, and this world is so kind.
And I have a choice to make. Accept my feelings, and return to the world the kindness it showed me. And return to me the kindness I show myself.
Dance! Dance! Dance! I will be dancing to Bob Marley in my room.
