Back

Food and Drugs

March 20th, 2024

I'm listening to this breakcore mix. Songs include: Pinkpantheress - Just For Me (SPURME Remix) and Porter Robinson - Get Your Wish (Sewerslvt Remix).

Last night I had quite an episode to say the least. I'm feeling a bit better today now that I've got some food in my stomach.

"Did I write that whole post for attention? Was I thrashing about in my bed for attention, to add to my narrative? Was I just making shit up to spur interest?" The thoughts are invading my head. The words are still not anymore true or real than before, but I have the opportunity to observe my depressive nature.

It is funny what causal explanations I make up depending on how I feel.

The Montelukast actually has resolved my allergen to mold spores, so I can breathe quite easily again. I'm still feeling depressed though, I can perceivably tell my emotions are severely blunted. The emotional effect I have on others is also notably reduced (other people are influenced by my down mood.)

I ate a can of sardines, some homemade fermented vegetables (sauerkraut, carrots, and kimchi,) and a bunch of lentils. I drank my usual 20g fiber smoothie with an extra heaping of frozen ginger.

Distinction

You can agree with me that chemicals---drugs---can affect cognition and mood? Cocaine. Marijuana. Alcohol. Hell, we even have chemicals to make penises harder.

On the topic of words, why do we separate food from drugs? Are they not chemicals too?

"Oh, well we use food for energy, and drugs for their effects!" But is energy not an effect?

Perhaps the way we organize our reality around food and drugs is primitive. There may be no difference at all; if a certain food will cause you to feel elated and happy, is that no better than a drug?

And if the organ, the microbiome, is obscuring our understanding of the drug as a black box, how does that make food any less of a drug since we do not understand it well?

Clear-minded

Asthma may be an early predictor of suicidal behavior among young adults. And it's recorded that there may be an association in children as young as nine or twelve years of age.

When I was twelve, I certainly felt those feelings. I guess... it was a feeling of inadequacy? Like how my peers were all faster and more sporty than me. How they made fun of my inability to run and jump. Maybe it was because I felt ill all the time and short of breath. Or perhaps, any systemic inflammation causes depressive behaviour, and that asthma is one of the symptoms.

The more I read, the more I feel the feelings I feel matter less than the chemicals that rage inside my body: fully outside of my conscious control. Did the experiences I have matter at all? Did the introspection and mulling over them matter at all?

I suppose that's a Wittgenstein fallacy again, what do I mean by matter? Influence my mood? Of course my experiences and introspection do. Right? Haha, why don't I feel convinced?

Oh geez. It's me and the words again. I'm inflating my emotions and ego by dipping into explanations again. How could I even explain things, how do I even know that these things are certainly the case?

Dazai must have had bad breath.

Close

I am going to eat prebiotics, probiotics, and less oily foods. I am going to exercise.