Lies and Singulair
March 20th, 2024
Singulair, also known as Montelukast, is a prescription drug used to treat symptoms of asthma and allergies.
I had taken it when I was a teenager to deal with my severe asthma. (Fun-fact: people with chronic illnesses are more likely to be depressed.)
Fast-forward to this spring season, after eating too much dairy, I am led to believe---based on my toilet activity---that my gut bacteria was flushed out and killed.
Then, the tree pollen spewed, and I was left feeling nostalgic with my allergies. Waking up at midnight or three in the morning unable to breathe. Asthma is fun. (Almost dying---hurray.)
I went to the doctor yesterday, and they prescribed me Singulair. Black label: side effects include depression and anxiety. I took a pill anyway.
Depression Again (Again)
The feelings I experienced tonight---I had a strong sense of deja vu. Only previously, I had attributed it to trauma and bullying. Now---
Now I know it was Singulair. I felt my heart thump loudly, a sharp pain in my rib cage, and sudden intrusive feelings to "end the story." It feels like being short of breath, and that your arms start to dissociate from voluntary consciousness. Like your ghost was being lifted right out of you as you reach for something sharp.
But I remembered the words weren't real and set out to observe myself to my best ability. I got up and hid away my boxcutter and scissors far away. I went to lay in my bed, and after a moment I started thrashing around---curling up into a ball. I started sobbing in short heaves. I scratched my head in agony like a meth addict. I sat there motionless, as if I were possessed by something far greater than I could ever control.
I started gnawing my teeth. I shivered.
Then I thought about my life. My emotions. My feelings. My memories. My thoughts. My logic. All of it. I thought of the free will of it all, and how my being was radically changed by a chewable tablet I swallowed a couple hours earlier.
And this isn't the first time this has happened to me. When I was a young teenager too. Was all my trauma a lie? All my experiences, the emotions I had heard, the whispers of self-harm, all of it a dirty lie, fed to me by myself?
What is free will?
I am led to believe in Wittgenstein's words regarding language. The experience shouldn't let the emotions convince me otherwise: what is free will anyway?
What is emotion? What are chemicals and electricity? Why do we feel compelled to prove one way or another? And if we feel the need to believe in such a physics-oriented organization of the world, why am I so keen to feel sorrowful about it? It is the same reality after all, regardless of how I explain it.
"I choose to eat bread." Knowledge that is confirmed by the social game, I as in reference to my body, and bread as in reference to the world. There is no free will discussion here. Maybe the very definition is subject to argument.
Overwhelming Depression
I am utterly convinced that the only thing that matters to mental health is physical health.
I tried an experiement today, to see if I could change the way I felt through pure introspective will-power. I told myself to be happy five hundred times.
It didn't work.
I am sitting here, still short of breath. Frustrated with my body. Frustrated with my inability to breathe properly. As if I were some sort of broken human being that should have been eliminated to natural selection so long ago. My asthma had made me agitated and close to feeling like death, and the medication leaves me feeling rock bottom.
If I cannot keep my body healthy for my emotions, and I cannot trust my words laced with my logic, what do I have on this earth?
