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Burnout

May 30th, 2025

I've been delaying this damn project for months, and to be honest I don't see any end in sight. I don't know how to even fathom what the hell I'm doing. I wasted all this time, for what?

I'm sort of frustrated by the layers upon layers of things here, and the promises I've broken and my pride and shame in not willing to admit that.

I'm depressed.

I'm burnt out. I see my own abilities and I see that I'm not enough. I don't care about the job or care enough to learn and grow.

I think to the starry sky, so far away, to God or Fate or whatever it is. I don't know. I just. I'm having an existential crisis, and I don't think it matters at all. Nothing here seems to ground me and I just can't seem to fathom of anything at all.

And, I sort of recognize maybe I've been masturbating too much. Maybe the high of getting into a relationship carried me out of my depression for a little while, then I dove straight back into it. I am over the infatuation phase now.

The question being, how can I cure my emotional framework, and re-align with what my values really are? By cure, I mean reframe the axioms and assumptions I've been making of this and that. I recognize these thoughts are nowhere the reality, as the map is not the territory -- or perhaps the map is the territory, but any map is a valid map such that the territories are reasonably aligned once together, or perhaps not at all -- and that any map that is internally consistent is an internally valid one.

I recognize the way I process thoughts here aren't effectively good for me, and that this reality isn't necessarily the true one. Let's pick a deliberately choose a better reality, a better frame of mind, one that selects the reality to be in denial of what it is.

A framework of hope, a framework of reality.

A framework pre-ordained by that which lies beyond the maps.

I'll call this ideology "Mapism", or something like that, akin to the maps. I think that we can deliberately choose our maps of reality, but as for what lies beyond the maps, or what the maps are pointing to, why, that may as well be Faith itself.

"The world is all that is the case."

I already feel better already. Perhaps spirituality is the most important thing of anything.

I believe that there's something out there beyond all the relative maps of meaning. There is the normative ground. I believe, I believe, I believe.

So I must deliberate and choose my maps according to Faith. I must take Kierkegaard's leap, and I must pre-ordain myself towards that.

I must try and make meaning of my life. Regardless of all the truths, regardless of it all. I must try. And I must try again and again.

By Faith

I realize now it's by Faith I exist. It's by Faith I am to this point. Not Faith unto God, or Faith unto some organized religion or concept as of Karma, but Faith in all that is. Do you see it?

Why is there something but not nothing?

Am I even the same guy?

I read a blog post I wrote three years ago, What's the point of life?. Holy shit, I was a lot more intelligent back then, what happened?

Should I read more textbooks to be more eloquently spoken like before? What am I doing now that I am no longer as cognitively strong ad back then?

Or perhaps, I think, I think I just cared more. I cared more about the hours I had. I cared more about the hours I put in. Each step I took. I just cared more. And I wonder what happened since then.