Wednesday
January 25th, 2023
It's... Wednesday. I started freelancing. I talked with an old friend for about an hour and a half. Caught up with them. Was nice.
I've had a lot of realizations this past week, but I'm emotionally in a slog again. Fuck, I don't know what there is to do in this world.
Nothing that comes to mind makes me happy. Playing video games, watching anime. It all seems like a chore.
Honestly, I just feel like life doesn't have much to offer. But again, that's just a feeling.
How do people do it? How do they live such fulfilling lives and go out and do stuff? Maybe I'm missing something here.
Low Energy
Maybe not getting enough sleep is doing this to me.
That, or I need STRESS. This no-stress lifestyle is KILLER. I just can't be happy ("All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone," Blaise Pascal.)
Things I'm Grateful for
- I'm thankful for getting paid (yay!)
- I'm thankful I was able to solve the problem quickly (yay!)
- I'm thankful for reading manga and anime (Fuufu Ijou, Koibito Miman and of course Eminence of the Shadows, my two favorite guilty pleasures of this season)
- I'm thankful for the first conversation I've had in months (someone actually listened to what I said. Wow.)
- I'm thankful I'm becoming more independent. Bored, but independent.
I've been reading romance
Oh God. And I love it. Even if it's stupid anime-tropey romance. (aka the sister genre of the fantasy romance novellas you find in the bookstore's "romance" section. Kind homely big-boob-ass anime girls and sweaty gentle confident six-pack-bearing 6'2" vampire pirate men. May our fantasies live on.)
I still love it. All the tension and the stupid moments. (I have a great ability of suspending disbelief, and when I can't, I laugh.) The male MCs in either of these things are generally attractive too (unless you read Heisei era manga.)
Gosh, I wish I could find it in me to be charmingly masculine like those male main characters. They're great, say the right things, ooze with confidence, have a great stoic attitude, and don't get overly creepy and horny. The opposite of me.
It's embarassing to say, but I'm not used to women at all. In fact, I probably have some misogynistic beliefs still hiding in the back of my subconscious. It makes me sad.
It's a bit too late for me honestly speaking. Even though I really would like it not to be. But I'm far past my prime for that kind of love.
Actually. NO. I'm not past my prime. I really just could use some encouragement right now. That I'm not some stupid idiotic male that can't get over his creepy hyper-horniness everytime he sees a cute girl. That I'm some well-balanced male that doesn't have "mommy issues." I hate it, and I'm going to change.
It's just, that I... I have to encourage myself to do it. And I've only got myself. It's a bit lonely. But regardless, I have to change! Instead of just sitting around and accepting such a shitty future. (It's not a shitty fate, because I can still change it.)
I need to believe in myself. Even if nobody believes in me (or knows I exist.) I have to believe I can do this.
Because I can.
