Wanker
March 31st, 2024
What an awful blog.
A friend streamed Honkai Star Rail for me last night. I watched him play while we hung out.
I didn't realize the... sexual effect Star Rail has. I haven't masturbated in nearly a month, so seeing some of the character portraits really activated some neurons. The feeling again, is unbearable and frustrating. My body is too numb and tired anyway, so I am too depressed to even be a wanker.
In addition, I had a severe sugar crash after eating at a Chinese restaurant, turns out Asian food isn't so healthy after all. Or any food. I think any food that avoids heavy loads of raw, processed sugar is healthy.
I went to a friend's birthday party yesterday. It was fun.
Bags of Meat Floating in Space
I told my sister some of my thoughts on free will. She asked me if I were the mind or the body. I replied the body.
I think I was silly in the moment, depressed and tired out of my mind. It is like I say, the content of the words matter very little when communicating with other humans. It is the feeling they feel when they are with you.
I should not have said anything to her. I am saddened. A while ago, I told her how much I make a year, and she began to feel jealous and envious. "I could have done that if I studied computers," she said. The only thing I felt was a strong twist in my stomach and horrible regret that I said anything at all. I should have just kept my thoughts to myself.
I told her I regret telling her those words. She was frustrated.
Crisis and Crisis
I've read that individuals who write using the word "I" a lot probably are depressed. I think it's true. Some sort of diseased narcissism. Maybe it is instinctual to signal to others that we are diseased and to stay away.
Part of my life is trying to figure out what's wrong with me. What's different or what can be fixed. I want to move forward from being "diseased beyond comprehensible narcissism," but I cannot find the steps to improve it.
I think I've located it to my diet, sugar in particular as a horrible drug, but I cannot go further than this. My mother insists I eat sugar.
I exercise, drink lots of water. I eat leafy greens. I try to go out and talk to people (not that I can maintain any sort of intimacy.) I run several miles and do strength training. I eat a lot of fiber and fermented foods. I don't masturbate.
In my mind, it's that socialization is a benefit to be gained after being healthy, not a way to get healthy. From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense. Why would an organism be designed to require socialization? No, it is socialization that is added on top of bodily health. I ask you this, the skeptic, which evolved from chaos first: health or language?
All these things I try to do to make myself feel better....... I think at the heart of it is the drugs. It's the sugar.
Maybe Dazai had a sugar tooth.
I... hate being diseased. I hate being disqualified. I hate being born wrong. I hate being an alien among humans. This feeling is awful.
I feel even worse when I speak of my feelings with others. When I ask their time, and spout out some nonsense about being depressed and feeling out of wack for no reason at all; when I just walk around, moping around the house. It makes me want to end it all, and give in to the quiet void.
Safety
Maybe that's why I feel safe here. At any given time, the reader can click off. Close the tab. You don't have to even visit this website ever again. It's beautiful. I can say whatever I want, and at the end of the day, I am not burdening anyone of anything.
Or maybe, once again, I am giving into the words? Wake up! Remember that the words aren't real, and the emotions are symptoms of a sick body.
