Violent Urges
February 20th, 2025
I started going to therapy because I didn't want to repeat the cycle of abuse.
This morning at the gym, I did bench press and overhead press. It was pretty good, I enjoyed it. The people around me were chill. Then this big young Korean guy comes in and starts giving off physically intimidating body language. Starts grunting on the pullup machine next me.
Of course, I wanted to defend myself now that I'm less of a doormat and more in touch with my feelings of anger and self-preservation. I wanted to just stand my ground and keep exercising. Though the a violent feeling came to mind and I wanted to pull a knife and stab him in the stomach. I wanted to dig deep and slice him open. I wanted to pull a knife and shove it in his throat because of how much he'd been barking and grunting.
It was very intrusive and very violent, so I quickly left because I felt I might start shouting. I used to be more timid, but now I have all this anger in me. It's probably why I was so timid, because I know the anger I express isn't socially very acceptable or productive. I need to find better ways to resolve conflict and not let my anger get the best of me like it did this time.
This angry feeling is very violent and scary. There's a part of me that recognizes why I feel angry, but there's also a part of me that doesn't want me to go to jail acting on these violent urges. Also, it's sort of wrong to kill someone when all they've done is physically intimidate. Though actually, is it? I think it's justifiable. I mean if you're threatening me, I have a right to threaten back, no?
At least a perceived threat. I don't know. But killing like that or being physically combative probably isn't the best solution.
EMDR Strategies
My therapist suggested a wheel strategy, where you imagine a traumatic moment as a spinning energy spiral coming out of your back or mind. Then you imagine it spinning. Then you imagine forcibly spinning it the other direction.
I think this is really just an empowering visualization to regain control. To not let things "spiral out of control" and remind ourselves we have the power to stop the "spinning." I sort of like it, it's like an agent to fight against learned helplessness.