Values
May 24th, 2025
"The world is all that is the case" is a singular phrase that rings in my head. "Are these the thoughts I choose?" rings in my head as well -- reminding me.
I went on a fifth date with W. She's quiet. I am not sure if that's wonderful or not, and I think a good many people would say she's plain and boring -- myself included. It feels like she doesn't have much to say -- or that she's rather uncomfortable to say anything -- or rather she doesn't say much -- but she's one of those individuals that are highly intelligent and quick to pick things up.
I am losing the limerance really fast -- or so I quietly murmur to myself -- and I'm starting to realize I haven't experienced the, so to say, love, of all shapes and forms, that the melodies I hear on the radio -- yes, really -- so speak of. I love my mother and father -- and I love my grandparents, yes, and loved my grandparents, but I haven't experienced romantic love in the slightest with that yearning so remniscent of September red velvet cake. With pompous attitudes; quick-fire instinct; impulsiveness to question even if there was anything at all; and the particulars: these are all the signs of a limerance bled into the heart and not the gracious love of which I so heartfully wish and desire.
Love, love -- for what does it come from? How then is this? What does love even looks like? What then is love? Was Wittgenstein right -- to ask of love is to request the language something it is devoid of? To reach into the pits of Tartarus and drag out the airs of nothingness? For what is it that we gesture and wave to when we utter the sweet symbols of "l" and "o" and "v" and "e"? Love, Cupid lodges his arrow into his bow, oh love is something I cannot even fathom to bring about! For the starry gaze of two lovers held in embrace in the dark of night, for playfulness and joy, for sadness and sorrow, for anger and resentment, for what is this, that it is how it is?
When I say she is plain and boring -- perhaps a rephrasing of it is needed, yes. I think what I mean to say is that she's straightforward and tells it how it is with no frills. She is much more intelligent than me, cognitively and emotionally. It's hard for me to compete, if that were what I was doing, but I recognize that she has all the traits for a healthy and strong relationship. She just seems hesitant to commit, probably because it's hard to know me.
The infatuation I have is waning, and I am slowly becoming myself again -- off the dopamine, and perhaps into a sickening of the mind. I think it is a lack of sleep which causes me distress. I will be heading to bed.
Home
I am beginning to not want to return to my home in Houston. I am beginning to dislike the values my cousins demonstrate, and I am beginning to dislike the way my parents treat me -- and I am beginning to understand that siblings are not the entire world. It is common convention to favor your partner over your extended family in the West, though I still feel a deep obligation to my parents to take care of them in old age.
I do not know. I enjoy the city I live in here, because there is much to do: San Francisco. To move back would be to rejecting and giving up everything for the suburbia of Houston. The dangerous cities and the exorbant night life culture and impulsive folks of H-town, I believe I am much better suited for the introverted reservations of the west coast.
Age
I am cognitively slowing with age. It's a shame I wasted my early 20s in school so early, for what? It is a bit depressing, but perhaps the world is all that is the case, and I am just imagining my mind slowing.
Speedrunning EQ
I read the book, Crucial Conversations and I realize that I have been practicing some of these things, but not entirely. Sometimes during conversations my mind just gets hijacked by my emotions, and I sort of have to shake out of the stupor to create that safety.