Using Hinge
January 21st, 2025
This weekend, I went on a road trip to a national park. I enjoyed it, but I was with a coworker, and it turns out we don't vibe that well outside of work. That's okay.
There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that we don't vibe that well.
I'm noticing I'm also really judgemental for some reason now. I think I'm in a bad headspace.
I downloaded Hinge as to the encouragement of my coworker friends, and I made a profile. I received a few likes. Though the act of scrolling and rejecting people and the idea that people were scroling and rejecting me sort of took a mental toll on my mind. I'm not sure why I'm not feeling that well right now...
Dating apps are known to be mentally taxing a bit, since they are brunt hits to self-esteem. I've decided to uninstall Hinge after two days of use. I think I'd rather just "live my life" instead.
Video games are starting to not be as exciting, and work is starting to get difficult. My life feels like it's suffocating and swallowing me up.
I need to take responsibility for my circumstances. I'm not a kid anymore. My brain, my thoughts, my problems. Sure, I didn't get handed the best basket to start out with, but it's up to me to figure it out.
I feel depressed and numb. I can't really feel my emotions, and I can't really engage in any conversation or thought. I don't know why. I think I get like this when I feel powerless and I care too much what other people think.
I get like this when I internalize my faults, rather than externalizing it. I don't know why my headspace is so wacked out.
Chimpanzees that take out their emotions and stress on other chimps effectively reduce stress on their bodies. It's not so good for the receiving chimp, but it's a good strategy for the aggressive chimpanzee...
I wonder why I won't do that for myself. I should get the motorcycle.
I don't know what direction to take my life. And I haven't known for these past four years blogging here. I still don't know what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. I don't know why I don't share these thoughts with other people, maybe because I feel shame. I feel shame that I haven't gotten my shit together.
Maybe I'm just hungry. I lifted weights and ran around, but somehow, somehow I feel depressed after all of it.
I went on that national park thing, and I just held my friend back. And I didn't make for good conversation, and went non-verbal instead. I... I want to curl up and die. Why did I do that? Why am I like this? The hate I have for myself just keeps growing like a cancerous tumor.
I can't help but to see the light in other people's viewpoint. I just... I just... I just am not much...
The depression kind of sucks me in, like some sort of sick loop. This headspace isn't it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
What happened to me just a few weeks ago, where I was feeling too good? Then I just swing low like this.
I'd rather I have light emotions.
Brutal Emotions
The real reason I'm feeling this way is because I was taught this very early on in childhood. I was taught that I was worthless, that I was useless, that I'd amount to nothing, and that the best way I could contribute to the world was to disappear from it entirely.
My mother taught me those things. She told me those things. She internalized that for me, and beat the living shit out of me. Sure. I have to make sure it's not a habit, and not to listen to my thoughts. And to just cry and feel like I do, because my feelings are valid.
If I feel utterly sad and depressed, I should do feel that way without remorse. I should respect how I feel, even if it means it's the wrong answer.
I want to cry, I feel like the whole world is collapsing on me, and I feel emotionally numb.
To be honest, talking about this sort of "stuff" would be "gay" in my household growing up. Having emotions as a man would be "pansy activity." To be honest, I am having a visceral reaction to these thoughts, a fit of rage, and I want to murder something in response. If that is the only way I can express my emotions, it's the only way I'm going to do it.
But I don't want to do that. I think that's silly, I think that's dangerous and harmful. I think it's selfish and immoral, and I think it's not great.
I think the real question, the real meat of it, is do I feel safe in my body?
I keep gagging whenever I feel emotions. This is insane... I don't think humans are supposed to suppress emotions to this extent.
I just put on old Maplestory OSTs and started gagging and crying. I don't know why my body is like this. Maybe I've repressed all my sad emotions for so long.
I remember a friend asked me, "what's wrong?" in a concerning tone of voice, and I just started to well up with tears. I just, I just am not used to this.
I'm not used to being human or feeling human emotions... I'm not used to dealing with people dying, I'm not used to people having fun. I'm not used to feeling anything at all.
I just cried again. And gagged. I realize not crying is incredibly not healthy, and that when I cried at my grandmother's funeral, that was possibly the best thing I could've done for myself.
I don't want to hurt other people because of my instability. I think I ought to re-evaluate how I manage myself and my emotions.
This life is so difficult. I don't understand how people do it. I don't understand it at all. I'm at a nice job, but who cares? I want to know how people understand it...
I just feel so sad. So sad. Sad at the way I've lived my life...
I Got Home from work, and bawled my eyes out
I sat in a puddle of my own tears. I can't believe I could cry that much.
I cried and cried and cried. I just feel so... worthless.
But I need to get out of this rut. I think I care too much about dating. I care too much what others think of me.
Uncomfortable
I'm just straight up uncomfortable with the idea that someone cares about me. It makes me want to run and push them away. I'm just not used to that at all. I'm not. I can't handle that. I just want to gag and throw up just thinking about it.