Unfit for Consumption
June 17th, 2024
I accidently overshared a bit much, and now it looks like my friend is pushing back against me.
I really don't know why I'm like this.
Everytime I'm on the precipice of actually forming a genuine human connection, I seem to destroy it in a fit of anxiety. Like the awful person I am.
I'm just, well, a horrible person. And the horribleness will continue as I drag them down in some fit of narcissistic, manipulative spiral.
Some awful victim complex that's brimming and welling up inside of me. Some awful anxious and depressive toll that weighs me down. I'm sure Freud would've had a field day had I strolled into office.
Why I'm Alone
I'm alone because I'm not a good person. It's as simple as that. I'm not fun. I'm not exciting. I'm not inspiring. I don't give joy to other people.
I'm boring and evil.
It's best of I... just tend to my garden alone, right? Right? Being alone is bearable. Being a horrid person in the context of others... it makes me think of Camus.
Of course I wouldn't tell anyone how I'm feeling, why would I spread such an awful thing?
Why, if ever, would I share these awful emotions with other people?
I don't believe in love in the slightest. Why do I even bother with people?
Moving Forward
Okay. Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I think it's best to self-isolate for a while.
I want to focus on myself and try to cure myself of my own personality.
I wish I were another person so, so desperately.
I will separate myself from my family and friends. I don't like who I am at all. And, I think it'd be best if I were to leave indefinitely. I wish desparately to be someone else entirely. And, I don't want to burden people any much longer.
Cheers, good friend.