To listen
January 26th, 2023
Listening is probably the most important skill in life. Or more generalized, observation is the most important skill.
Listening makes you feel good. It makes other people good. It's necessary for connections to form in a social environment.
Today, I felt like I was ignored and belittled. It made me feel horrible.
monologues
I talked to my parents today.
Well, I say talk. But the reality of it is that they don't care what I say. In fact they'd rather I say nothing. They just want to monologue to me.
I mean, dinner today was just listening to my mother's day. How she went to work, went to get her teeth done at the dentist. "Oh, how terrible it was they were taking so long!" Then she talked more about how she swung by the grocery store and then picked up dinner on the way home.
Which, wasn't a bad thing. I didn't mind listening to her story for 20 minutes straight. Just nodding my head, "ah," "mhmm," "yeah," and asking questions to feign interest. Standard grey-rocking procedure. It's better this way.
If reality goes against her reality (how she sees what's happening,) shit is going to his the fan so fucking fast. I do not know how else to describe it besides "walking on eggshells." That's why I grey-rock her.
Then my dad started monologuing. Oh my God. I've been grey-rocking them for so long that I forgot how terrible it is to actually be emotionally engaged. The man just doesn't care what about what you have to say. He just needs you to know he's smart.
He'll just go on and on on whatever he read that day. Explaining to us like we're retarded. Even though I've actually read what he's talking about. It kills me. And my mother actually encourages him to do it.
I feel like a parent listening to their child's day with great intensity. Parentification?
His monologues usually don't stop until I stand up (while he's still talking) and leave the dinner table. Usually they range from 20-75 minutes. The only thing I can do during these times is sit and listen.
If I try to speak, he'll talk down to me like I'm retarded. Because, in his mind, I probably am retarded. It's fucking gross and abusive.
And even when I stand up and leave, he doesn't even fucking care! He just keeps talking! Then he just switches over to my mom and she just sits there and listens. Holy fuck! He just keeps on condescendingly preaching. I'm trying to eat my fucking dinner!
And even in regular conversation, he'll look for any fucking opportunity to turn it into his monologue. Then the "conversation" is definitely fucking over. Nowadays, only my parents talk at the dinner table, so he'll try to steal the spotlight away from my mother during her story whenever he gets the chance to explain something.
I can't believe he did this every single fucking day of my life!
Five things I'm grateful for
- I'm thankful I got to run outside
- I'm thankful I got to lift weights
- I'm thankful I got to take a nice walk outside
- I'm thankful I got to figure out my problems for the freelance job
- I'm thankful I get the privacy to write now
- I'm thankful I get to take night walks
- I'm thankful that I'm thankful for more than five things today
Cheers.