Tightness, Trauma, Annoyance
January 5th, 2025
I took today off to recover from my flu. My throat still burns and my body aches, I've got a bad hacking cough. My hips and glutes are fired up because of muscle trauma, I've no idea what I'm feeling that's causing them to be this way.
I did a couple stretches and that seemed to do the trick, as well as stream-of-consciousing into my phone diary. Yes I keep a private phone diary too, but not too consistent about it, only when I need to journal about things that could formally identify who I was.
I look out the window. Hundreds of windows brightened during early January—the work season has started back up again. I like working for some reason, I get to work with some really smart emotionally regulated folks and can pick up on those habits really well. These folks are dedicated, energetic, and know well how to regulate their emotions.
They say you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and I find that's true. When I come home for the holidays, I notice I pickup again some really nasty habits, like jumping to emotion really quickly, getting angry, upset, or just being down in the dumps and indulging in seasonal depression like nobody elses business.
My parents are narcissistic and aren't the best, if at all. They have a tendency to really show and abuse their emotions to the fullest extent, and don't really care what I have to say. Our conversations are moreso their opportunity to monlogue to an audience than any formal connection, and I feel really lonely during them.
My brother and sister turned out the same, they just monologue at me, and it doesn't feel good. I try to replicate the same listening stance to some healthier folks here on my dates, and some have even mentioned it's a bit uncomfortable that I don't share much.
It's not their fault, but to treat them like adults it's their responsibility. And it's my responsibility to protect my peace away from folks who cause a lot of drama.
Perhaps growing up I took on some maladaptive habits, though I needed it for survival at the time, it's not a necessarily good stance for building connections and healthy relationships.
The tightness in my pecs and body is loosening up after stretching and a nap. But perhaps what I really want to address is how frustrated I am by the whole prospect of how my family is. Coming home makes me incredibly lonely, and being in the company of people who don't ask about my wellbeing and while loving my attention; I begin to feel unseen and upset.
A change should happen if I feel upset, I should try to take action. Perhaps I'll say that I won't go out with them anymore. My only concern is that if this is okay from a moral perspective, but then again, I am not obligated to do anything with my family.
From an asian perspective perhaps I am, that I am obligated to practice filial piety, but then again only once a year, right? I am not obligated to go to this upcoming mid-year family trip. I think I am okay skipping out on this one.
It's the rainy season in San Francisco. I haven't seen this much rain everyday ever. It's been less than six months since I moved to San Francisco, and I keep getting surprised.
Movement
I thought about cancelling my climbing gym membership, especially since the folks there all work in tech and biotech, and I'd like to expand my exposure of personalities I talk to.
My jaw is really clenched still, probably from the muscle fatigue. For some reason I'm not able to relax all that much today, probably from the sickness I have, and thinking about my brother's traumatic experience with his ex. He continually trauma-dumped about his ex and the crimes she committed (not that bad actually), and kept making it a big deal. I think it's affected my mental a bit, but I figure he will be fine.
It's my responsibility to say, yes, I feel sad and affected by my brother's issues, and that's okay. At the same time, there's a part of me that says, "Not my problem!"
Action before Reaction
I always find it strange how much better I feel after brushing my teeth and taking a shower. Somehow "hygiene" does wonders for my mental state.
I decided to order out some expensive takeout sushi today, because, well, I did something hard by visiting my family again. I took on something outside of my comfort zone, and, well, I did well!
I think that's worth a reward. Haha.
Doing things that... I want. Like any other human being.