Taxes
March 30th, 2025
I just filed my taxes for the year 2024. Time really flies, huh?
And I'll be twenty-five just like that.
...
I'm struggling at work. All I can do is drive up in my car to the nearest state park, camp in the back of my SUV with my weighted blanket, and sing and hum to myself in insanity. I drove home this morning after trying to sleep in freezing temperatures in the back of my SUV, waking up multiple times in the middle of the night.
I'm not sure how sane I am to be honest. I am just sitting in my car, all alone, humming and singing to myself. I can't seem to trust other people enough to enjoy their company, and I can't seem to open up enough to make sure I enjoy theirs.
I just am lacking something spiritual in my trauma-ridden life. Maybe I am too much of a victim? But how do I overcome such a sensitive nervous system?
Most of my life I've felt like an alien, that I was some diseased abnormal cancer wandering among the humans of this planet - and I still do. I am not sure what is necessarily wrong with me, but I don't know how to go forward from here.
I'm burning out. That's what's happening.
What should I do?
What's the meaning in my life?
God. What should I do with my life?
It all feels so meaningless after getting this job. It just feels like... the drudgery.
Like... of all the things in the world... to go hiking.
To go camping.
To go see the stars but it rained out (fuck.)
To trigger my love and hate of life.
What is it. What is it that I must and need to do?
Life is about overcoming troubles and worries - but what of it? I'm so confused.
I'm not sure that a girlfriend will solve any of my problems. I don't think so.
And certainly not children. I don't think having a child will give me any sense of direction or purpose.
Meaning in other people.
Meaningless in other people.
I chatted with ChatGPT this morning, and I found out that I both seek connection with other people but deny it - and I have some sort of founded belief that other people won't really understand where I'm coming from.
I'm really starting to believe it's my lack of ability to communicate properly. Any idea can really be understood by others as long as you sit there and justify your position.
It's a matter of really believing in your thought processes and rationalizations and emotions. I really do believe that I feel like shit from a combination of burnout and job satisfaction.
Like, the work we do, do you really feel it's impactful? I guess that's a matter of subjective opinion, but ultimately to me it feels like we're just sending data to queues and updating state across multiple microservices. We're not handling high loads of traffic or spikes, and neither are we doing increasingly complicated user interactions. We're just sending data to queues.
Maybe that's why I haven't been writing and thinking so well. I've lost faith in my own justifications of the world. I feel as if my own subjectivity has lost its rational capability, and that whatever I think is automatically invalid and the wrong way to think. I've made room in my life to be walked over by more confident people who believe in their subjective takes so strongly.
I must return to believing in my emotions and thoughts. There is no other way. I must continue the line of path. They tell you the advice not to identify with your thoughts, but if you do not believe in the things you think, then you are going to castaway all cognitive processes. Perhaps I am misunderstanding what people mean by this piece of advice - and perhaps that the advice is not for me to identify with.
For advice is something that depends on context and individual persons. I don't think that there is advice that extends to the greater humanity - there are pieces of advice that resonates with the greater share of humanity, but fundamentally I strongly believe that every individual, with every unique experience, will interpret the verbage and sentence of said advice in their own individual way, attributing diferent meaning to the spoken word. This is what I mean that advice is to be taken with a grain of salt - because everyone will interpret it accordingly to their own experience, and the question still remains if such dogmatic words apply in the context of their life.
To sum what I mean, not everyone needs to do the same things to live without regrets, and in fact some people prefer having a few things they regret.
Sexy 2D Anime Girls
For a time in my life, I was wildly addicted to sexy 2d anime girls. I tried shrugging that off for a period of my life, particularly the last year. I said I was a grown up now, and now that I like grown up things and live a grown up life doing grownup work making grown up money I shouldn't be jacking off to two-dimensional girls anymore.
Well, fuck that. I still get horny looking at Gawr Gura and pin-ups of stylized feet.
I don't even know anymore.
I guess in the old days, I would just be visiting prostitutes instead of over obsessing over two-dimensional girls like some gone gooner. Or I'd be like that Greek sculpture guy, Pygmalion.
I don't know. I don't feel good about prostitution, it just feels morally wrong. Like I'm paying for something so transactional. And like, she doesn't really give a shit about me so really, what am I paying for? Would it be better just to use a pineapple? Plus you don't have to deal with the humanity part of the deal, not sure why prostitution is even a thing when you have hands.
To put it in more, err, better terminology, and explanation, it's like this: if the emotional intimacy aspect of sex is missing, what is even the point? You might as well be using your hand and jacking off rather than trying to get off with a prostitute. Like a prostitute, yeah, a sex worker, who, well, might have been forced into that line of work as well and might be being abused. Not to say that sex work does have a mental toll that inevitably drains people over time. It's bad from their perspective enough, but even from the man's perspective it's not a good deal either.
What the fuck is life even about anyway? I love SEXY 2D GIRLS!!!!
I ask myself, do I want to activate and fire these neurons? But it honestly feels like my brain is turned back on again obsessing over these anime girls. I'm not sure.
I think becoming a gooner again is a reawakening.
God I want sex so bad.
Or is it that I want to be loved? I want to be loved by some transient non-human existence that doesn't expect from me? Some God of a form that I don't have to tend to emotionally, and that no emotional labor needs to be put out to be unconditionally loved?
And that I'm worried in a real relationship that I'd be unconditionally cast aside, just as I did in all my relationships of the past?
That, for some reason, I'd find truly underneath all the piles of two-dimensional anime women that there was some figment, some mental image conjured in my small pea-sized brain, that there was something that loved me without need of reason?
Eating garlic and jacking off to 2D
God I feel so shameful, guilty, and damn good.
I did my taxes. Jacked off to Xiangling porn on Danbooru I found some years ago. Today was a good fucking day.
I told myself I'd get better and better. But damn, I'm burning out trying to be a normal guy.
Is it just better to accept my nature and jack off to Genshin Impact?
Damn. Holy shit. I feel so good. I feel so fucking good jacking off. I should just eat garlic all day on the weekends and just have a coom sesh.
Instead of wondering about bullshit, training to do iron mans and marathons, blah blah blah, why don't I just fucking... jack off?
I probably can get real sex too. Like, that girl on the beach who followed me as I was doing my 7 mile run? (Why the fuck was she following me, and why did she take a picture of me?) Yeah? She probably wanted me bad, and she probably would've been down to fuck. But like, damn, I don't want all that. There's a lot that comes with just sex. A lot of responsibility.
And damn, am I a Puer Aeternus. I just want to avoid responsibility.
It's stressful, and I want to shirk from my duties and tasks. They're going to come anyway, why run towards them?
"Cherish your feelings"
My waifu Taiga Aisaka!!
Pew pew pew pew pew!!
My waifu for laifu!! I don't want to face reality - I don't want to go back into whatever the hell I am out there. I hate who I am out there. But here I'm just a guy. I'm just a normal fucking guy with a love for anime.
Holy moly, I feel at ease. I feel safe with my waifu.
Why go for a real girl, when all I'll do is burden them and bring them trouble? Why, so I can go and drag them down?
So I can feel pain and suffering? So I can feel the pain and suffering of not being enough? So I can just ruin someone's life and time like that? Like love were even worth it to begin with?
Why? Give me a good reason why.
I just, even with all the money I have from my job, fail to see the future. I fail to see what lies ahead of me, and if even that were worth anything at all.
I wish to continue. I wish to succeed, to run many miles, to have someone depend on me (in my mind), and for me to push forward for the sake of it all.
My waifu is cheering for me. She wants me to succeed. She wants me to do it for us.
In Pygmalian spirit, I rest my case.
Cheers.