Sugar
March 29th, 2024
Sugar is as addicting as cocaine. It's effects are so bad. I am feeling a bout of depression, I am sure this sugar crash is not making me feel any better. I am irritated, tired, and wanting to fall to the bottom of an ocean.
I am beginning to feel the full effects of my disqualification and what it means.
It means, of the things that are expected of human beings, I am too weak, too much of a failure to accomplish any of it.
Or are these the words plaguing my mind again? Are these the words ones I choose? Or is it the sugar creating brain inflammation?
Disqualification
At the very least, I can offer myself words of self-pity. Self-loathing even. If that would even help. If that even is true. If that even can mean anything.
Thoughts of a friend come to mind. A friend that would come and comfort a monster like me. Is it selfish for me to think of a girl?
I am so far from other human beings at this point, I wonder, where did I stray away? Have I always been this alienated from the rest of humanity? Why, oh why, was I born this way? Why do I have to suffer this way? Why alone? Why outcasted? I ask in a begging frustration. I ask to a breathless God...
But if you were to meet me in real life, would you even realize this? Would I be an angel like Dazai? Or am I truly a demon? Or am I nothing at all?
The words, the classifications, the categorizations, the corrosion of it all, I don't know. I don't know the truth, or the meaning of this. I can't see it. I'm blinded, sinking slowly, down, down, down, to the bottom of an ocean, somewhere someone and nobody will ever find me again.
I don't know.
Stop the words. Stop, before it gets worse. The feeling is already unbearable, I cannot continue writing in good heart.
