your success in life is determined by how willing you are to face your emotions
February 5th, 2025
your success in life is determined by how willing you are to explore your emotions
your success in life is determined by how willing you are to ignore your emotions
your success in life is determined by how willing you are to express your emotions
your success in life is determined by how willing you are to repress your emotions
I think fundamentally life is about emotional regulation. Life is about how you feel, and what you choose to do with how you feel.
Trauma Therapy
I went to the in-person therapist, and she took my history. I dissociated a lot. She said I could work on staying present and not dissociating.
We talked about a lot. I told her the things that happened to me. How much I hate myself. I dissociated so the memory will have to reappear later.
I need to take responsibility though. I need to take steps to improve my situation.
Downtown
I was left a little emotionally shooken after the therapy visit. I felt my emotions strongly. I went to go eat noodles and was walking back home when a homeless man started schizophrenically yelling at passerbys.
I was so dissociated I walked right next to him and his pointed finger was 2 inches away from my face. He kept yapping, but I was so out of it I didn't even notice.
I found it annoying, but then I saw him start yelling at two girls. He was spitting on them. At that moment a cold steel rage just boiled inside of me. I was actually about to kill this man. I just needed a reason to commit murder and it was right there in front of me.
But I held back. The girls seemed a bit shook but reassured one another and laughed it off while walking away. I think they'll be fine. But I walked away faster because I could feel my rage build-up. I started fantasizing about buying a knife or a gun so next time I'd just shoot him in the goddamn forehead and put these homeless fuckers to bed. I have nothing to fucking lose.
But I realize that I was letting my emotions pour out since I had gone to therapy. The closet of emotions was being left open, and I realize that I need to shut it quickly before my work starts to get affected.
Seeking help was smart, but I realize that if I don't control myself soon I'm going to start emotionally hurting a lot of people. Maybe even physically hurt people.