Stream of Conscious
February 25th, 2026
I do not know why in the fuck anything happens. I don't know. Okay?
I am required to do this. I am required to keep moving forward. I am required to do this. I require myself of this.
Of free will? I hang out with C long enough and wallah, I start to feel like free will exists—these feelings these things that come to mind, what of it? What of any of it?
I realize now that feelings come and go, and thoughts come and go, and truth comes and goes. It's true though, that if I were to put anyone in my shoes, with my brain, with my body, with my neurons and genes and life experiences, would they make any different decision?
Why, just go out there and go consume something. Just eat a banana. Just, I don't know, just go blow a part of your prefrontal cortex out. What happens then? You'll change—what is this nonsensical free will we talk about, where some conscious is making decisions from the soul? If our soul can be blown out of our head with a piece of swift metal, what is our soul anyhow? What is free will?
I cannot for the life of me understand why I feel as if free will exists—it must be because of the pressure I put on myself to please C. She asked if I chose her, if I truly chose her out of everything, and if I were to admit free will didn't exist, then did I really choose her, or did all of my life and genes choose her?
I think either way, it is romantic enough. Writing it out makes me feel more calm of the situation, but still, my spirit, my free will, if any of that exists, then did I choose her out of choice, or did I have no choice, as a result of my life, and if, if, any set of events happened that someone else would be in my shoes with my genes and life, they would choose her too?
It is such a strange thing that love is, but I still find it romantic with the fact that that did not happen. I find it romantic that of all the possibilities in the world, that I was produced, and that the I that was produced is the one that chose C. And of the fact of it all, of all the glassy eyes across that starry dark ocean, oh, oh, of it all, I think to myself, what of it? What of any of it? I do not understand.
I do not understand any of it. I do not understand what I am to be of it, and how it comes to be. To ask me why, to ask me of reason, and to ask of free will, to ask of that that goes beyond the understanding of words, of the truth that exists without, and of the starry night sky, I do not know at all; I cannot know; and of this soul and free will, why, free will in the sense of moral responsibility and fault, why, am I no different than the car without brakes as Sapolsky posits?
Why, Wittgenstein and Einstein, of all the people, of all the smart people, of those out there looking out the balconey windows, and of all of it, what of it all? I do not know.
But I understand my feeling better, why, I feel pressured to feel a certain way and to think a certain way to please C, and that comes from my experiences and genes, it comes from my life to please. It is true.
But I do not feel that way, and I feel irritated at C for making me feel that way, even though it is I that choose to feel that way. For all my emotions are self-inflicted, through myself and my experiences and my genes, and of my life, like a car that goes in, I accept the accountability, of a car and itself.
I understand that there's not many things to change, and I understand that I alone am accountable for my actions. I do not know.
That the food choices I make, the things I eat, all of it influence how I think, who I am, how I talk, how funny it is! I always find the words easier to find after a good morning run, or after drinking a green drink. Eating lots of fiber.
I always find it reflectively profound how much diet affects my thought processes. I do not understand it at all—the reality of the world.
I find it profound what I read changes the way I think so profoundly, and I find it profound that the life experiences I do not choose to happen to me, that the opportunities granted to me change me so profoundly.
It appears as if I have no agency at all, and in no ability to really make a choice, it's true, but I can create systems in my mind that can allow me to gather information to make the best choices in mind.
I can continue to develop a frame of thinking, a system of thinking, that allows for profound growth.
I do think that frames are all true, it's about finding the one that is most practical or provides utility for the ask at hand, and that ability to hold multiple contexts and framings in mind is quite a unique ability.
Do you ever sit down to think about it? To think about life? I realize that I have been so busy lately, but busy with what? Busy with keeping myself busy? It is quite a sad state of affairs to keep myself busy for busyness sake.
I realize that prioritization must come to play, to stop myself from being busy and busynessing my life away. It's so silly. Focus.
There are many useful distractions, but really, just sit down and think before going about things.
I chose C. The life I've lived has influenced my perspectives and thought processes such that I pick a girl such as C, it's true. And of the consequential strong feelings that force me to push her away, well, it is the same life experiences and genes that cause me to do so.
The question is, how can I build a system that understands this meta-behavior, and what meta-cognition shall I employ to "do the right thing?"
In a sense, Sapolsky was right about the pre-frontal cortex.
But essentially, I want to say this—there is no substitute for understanding the self. There is no substitute for making time for oneself. And understanding how much the reality affects our brain makes me realize that there is no free will, but there is accountability as a causal actor, we can continue to cause things as an actor within a system. Knowledge of this ability causes the actor to change course.
Of course, our fates are tied to the knowledge we know, and even if it is recursive knowledge in a sense, that does not change the fact that we are subject the past as in accordance to the future.
The amount of sleep I get. All of it affects how I act the following day—it's quite frankly insane how much of who we are is influenced by the things we do.
What is identity, but your body and how it responds to stimuli?
Inputs and outputs in the black box of humanity.
Reminder
- Eat 30g of fiber
- Vitamin D supplementation 6000IU/day
- Canned sardines or canned oysters for the Omega-3
- Drink a vegetable smoothie blend to get all the necessary nutrients
- Brush teeth and floss
- Eat four servings of fermented food
- Run every morning
- Lift heavy weights
- Eat fruits, nuts, veggies, and seeds
- Eat root vegetables, leafy greens, fish, whole grains, and beans
- Sleep at the same time 9pm every day
- Drink lots of water
- Avoid fast food and oily foods
- Avoid sugary foods and drinks
- Avoid dairy and buttery foods
- Sunlight: at least an hour of direct exposure
- Sleep as long as necessary
- Eat 30 different kinds of vegetables every week
- Daily positive affirmations.