Days Slipping by and ADH
March 22nd, 2025
I call it "ADH," or "attention-deficit hyperactive." Leave out the disorder part since I'm undiagnosed.
I sort of realize my life isn't well-organized, and I need to find systems in order to organize my life and get it going in a direction I see fit.
Developing personal systems is so important. They guide us towards the direction we see fit.
I sort of recognize how much executive control I have lost - I need to regain it back.
Systems, systems. I think what's important is that I commit to a schedule.
Workflowy
I just realized I hadn't been using Workflowy for a while - this is my to-do list and life organizer
I use it to write everything I need to do.
Checking off things on my to-do list is extremely fun.
Perhaps I should use that.
Life a life a life
I had a task, did not do it, and now the failure is wrecking my life. I ought to have done something positive with my life, to have become a star in the sky. Instead of which I remained stuck on earth, and now I am gradually fading out. My life has really become meaningless and so it consists only in futile episodes. The people around me do not notice this and would not understand; but I know that I have a fundamental deficiency. Be glad of it, if you don't understand what I am writing here.
We haven't met since 11 years. I don't know if you have changed during that time, but I certainly have tremendously. I am sorry to say I am no better than I was, but I am different. And therefore if we shall meet you may find that the man who has come to see you isn't really the one you meant to invite. There is no doubt that, even if we can make ourselves understood to one another, a chat or two will not be sufficient for the purpose, and that the result of our meeting will be disappointment and disgust on your side and disgust and despair on mine.
I no longer feel any hope for the future of my life. It is as though I had before me nothing more than a long stretch of living death. I cannot imagine any future for me other than a ghastly one. Friendless and joyless. [...] I suffer greatly from the fear of the complete isolation which threatens me now., I cannot see how I can bear this life. I see it as a life in which every day I have to fear the evening that brings me only dull sadness. My unhappiness is so complex that it is difficult to describe. But probably the main thing is still loneliness. I have suffered much, but I am apparently incapable of learning from my life. I suffer still just as I did many years ago. I have not become any stronger or wiser. I feel that my mental health is hanging on a thin thread.