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Sick Day

January 16th, 2023

Another sick day. I have a chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD,) which means that respiratory viruses really bring me down a few notches. Basically, whenever I get a lung-related illness the COPD flares up and I struggle to breathe (don't even get me started on that time I got COVID-19.)

I wonder what my friends are doing. It's been a while since I last talked with them. Do I need a reason to message a friend? I feel like I do, but at the same time I feel like I'm wrong because of the past. "Just a bother" rings in my head.

What I Want from Life

Y'know, after all that I said in yesterday's post, I realized that I can't keep going like this. This whole "spiral of negativity" shit. I want to move my life in a direction that I actually want to live. I think I've been conditioned to believe I have no control over my life.

I affirm that I DO have control over my life. I can make decisions and am not in a "trapped" situation. Yes, my mind has a lot of scars and reverts rather easily to the mental instability of believing it's not possible, but I still affirm I CAN do things.

To tell you the truth, I've found the common advice from therapists about "naming 10 things you're grateful for" or "practicing self-love through morning affirmations" to be a steaming pile of bullshit. I tried it for a couple days, and I gagged. I puked and then swallowed it. I thought it was the "gayest shit ever to grace this shithole world." But for some reason I treated myself to ice cream out a couple hours afterwards. It was the first time in my life I treated myself out to something I enjoyed on my own accord. I think I stopped doing those affirmations because I forgot, then subsequently relapsed into mental hell again.

I realize the reason I haven't done anything since then is because I simply don't care about my life. It's been so out of my own control I just dissociated from it. After all, the only things you should care about are things within your sphere of influence. And, if you're just so damn powerless, nothing should matter.

It explains my meek nature. My inability to handle conflict. Trouble taking responsibility. Because in my mind, I'm getting pushed around by everything. I'm the victim. That's why I loved Taoism, or Stoicism. It's these philosophies that preach amor fati and not to fight back. But having gotten older, I've realized I've vastly misinterpreted both of them to fit my own biases.

And that's why I don't have many friends. Because all I do is get pushed around. That's no fun to be around. So gloomy.

So that's the first step. Recognizing the problem. The second step is finding a reason to fix the problem. What do I want from life?

  • I want to be strong and positive.
  • I want life to be hard and difficult.
  • I want to marry. Have kids. Raise a family.
  • I want to prove to myself that life is worth living.
  • I want friends to shoot the shit with.
  • I want to take life less seriously! God, it's so gloomy in here. I want to be easygoing.

Yes, I want a lot out of life. But I think my number one thing out of this list is to take life less seriously! I want to really do that. Just to fuck around and do nothing and be okay with that. I mean, I already DO fuck around and do nothing, but I'm definitely not okay with that for whatever reason. I think I have guilt associated with lazing around, that, or my mother yelling at me everyday for not doing "things" is clearly stressing me out. (I swear to God I'm about to finna dissociate on her AGAIN.)

I think the fourth bullet point is more interesting though. "I want to prove to myself that life is worth living." Basically, I want my self-validation that this life was worth it at the end of it all. When I was younger, I promised myself I'd an hero by 20. Clearly, I broke my promise. Maybe I'd like to prove to the old me that this life I decided to keep was worth keeping.

No. That's exactly what I want to do. I want to prove to "the kid me" that he was right for not ending it there. That he was right to be hopeful.

Next Steps

Now that I've identified the problem (dissociation) and the why (to prove to myself I was right), I should jot down my next steps to improving my emotional state.

  • To improve confidence, I'll keep running and lifting.
  • To improve my conflict aversion, I'll start boxing. (I loved Hajime no Ippo.)
  • To become more positive, I'll start doing those 5 positive daily affirmations and naming 5 things I'm grateful for.
  • To become more easygoing, I'll start experimenting with drugs. Living in such a high-strung family has some lasting consequences. I need to find my peace.

My daily affirmations for today:

  • I am worthy of love
  • I am worthy of loving myself
  • I have every right just like every goddamn human being on this planet to choose. I have free will.
  • I belong to this son of a bitch world and am not excluded from it
  • The way I feel is real, and the thoughts that come to my head are accurate labels of how I feel. There is nobody in the world that can tell me that's not what I'm feeling.

Five things I'm grateful for:

  • I'm thankful for going on that long walk today.
  • I'm thankful for eating a good lunch.
  • I'm thankful for showering and brushing my teeth today.
  • I'm thankful for having the opportunity to destress and watch YouTube.
  • I'm thankful for the overcast sky.

Cheers.