Remnants
September 13th, 2024
I've been busy with life. Turns out I'm starting to live my life like my mom. Always busy, doing some sort of work. You just need to.
The responsibility gives purpose, satisfaction, and it gives direction. You're not stuck, and you're progressing. On top of that, you get feedback and rewards for pushing through and making those changes.
Now I'm older, it seems like my mother was right in some ways and wrong in others. But I always felt that.
It's been a while since I've really blogged my heart out, so please excuse me while I tell my whole life here.
The Story So Far
I think this is the first time in my life where I am really able to choose my own life. Choose what I do with my time, and choose what I really actually want to do.
I'm free. I'm not in any jailing relationship, and I'm not obliged by anyone. I can really just go on and be my own human being. And, most people have been living like that their lives, it surprises me how much freedom people have.
I wake up around five, because I haven't been getting good sleep. Then I head to the company gym, and lift. It's only a couple minutes away. I try to compartmentalize the idea of the company gym away from the company, so it doesn't feel like I'm quite at the company.
I do my exercises at the gym, and then I go for a jog afterwards. I usually have been doing 1.5 miles everyday, so I've been pretty consistent about that.
Then I go home, and then I cook breakfast. I usually eat beans and sauerkraut, alongside a protein source like sardines, eggs, or dried anchovies. I've been experimenting with eating eggshells lately, and surprisingly I had good results. I think I will eat half an eggshell once a day, or something along the lines of that.
I will say that eggshells are bad for teeth enamel, so I'm contemplating getting a grinder of sorts. Maybe something to make it easier on my teeth.
Afterwards, I head to work at 9AM. I'm one of the first in the office, but I don't think many people really care.
In my job, it's really fast paced. I switched teams from a previous one, and I sort of regret it workload-wise. But the people I've met here have changed the trajectory of my life in just a couple weeks. It's interesting how fate works really.
They reminded me not to think too hard. Or to believe the thoughts that I think so readily. They didn't outright say that, but I think that's the gist of it.
I like my coworkers. They could be friends---but I wonder really what it means to be friends. Are they just being political? Or are they actually my friends? Perhaps this is another one of those things where I shouldn't think too hard about it.
After work, sometimes I'll reach out to my old friends back home on a phone call. I look forward to these calls, because they remind me of back home. They're changing too, getting new jobs, houses, promotions, spouses, and whatnot, but it's nice to hear from someone who has nothing to do with you financially and career-wise. Somebody who just cares for you as you are.
My dear friends, whom I should check up on more frequently. That reminds me, I wanted to create a schedule of phone calls to keep in touch with people. Spread it out throughout the week so that I keep in touch.
I wonder if there's software for this. I think there was a program on HackerNews I read about. Maybe I'll do a spreadsheet, I haven't decided. But I need to keep in contact with people.
A reminder---have something in the news or a topic to talk about. Just pick a person and reach out. Check on the topic, and segway into how they're doing.
After work, I've been running errands and appouintments and cooking my dinner. It's a lot to do. The routine is fulfilling being that I have responsibility over my own life.
Overall, I think my life is heading in a positive direction. I'm sleeping, I'm eating, and I'm exercising. I've got the trifecta back again.
Spouse
I wonder about dating too. Is my life worth sharing? Thoughts like that keep ruminating in my head.
Someone out there for me---or something like that.
My self-loathing sort of leaks out from time to time, and I realize now that it's just my temperament.
I have been blessed with a moody temperament, and not a tempered one. I guess that's my unluckiness at play here.
But it's just about being yourself, and keep going with that. It's about self-acceptance, and self-preservation, and self-improvement, and self and self and self.
Rather, I'm starting to realize it's more about other people, huh.
But not too much where you freak them out, live your life. But invest in other people.
I think, I think I ought to stop focusing on myself and my self-loathing and my emotions and all that. I think I ought to focus on the things that I can change and the things that really matter.
Time and time again
With more time on my hands, I've decided to go to church on Sundays. Not particularly because I'm religious, but taking a break from the tech bubble I'm stuck in Silicon Valley in is particularly nice. I like being around spiritual, happy people. I notice that tech people have either extreme social anxiety or are extremely judgemental? Not sure.
Accepting uncertainty is something I should do too. If I meet someone, I should assume I don't know them. I don't know what they're thinking, and I don't know what they're feeling. Just be.
I wish I were less of a politican around people and less calculating of wanting to make good impressions on people. But it's just in my people-pleasing nature to do that.
Maybe getting a motorcycle will finally fix that part of me, or perhaps, make me care less and less about it.
Perhaps the answer really, is to be less self-conscious. Try to make the changes that just need to be done. Objectively speeaking. Or, as objective as possible.
I know that one of the fundamental pillars of my character is relativism, but at the end of the day, subjective or not, there is going to be a better decision that comes out. And, there is an optimal choice to make given a state of variables. Given knowledge, what is the most optimal choice?
Thinking in bets. Thinking in ways of uncertainty. Assessing the situation, the context, the perspective, the paradigm, as much as you can without the bias, and then coming to a good decision with best likelihood of successful outcomes.
Being Fully Cognizant
Perhaps the answer is just to be yourself. Happy!
Or, just to be whatever. Even-tempered. I don't know. Don't get sucked into it. Just be who you are genuinely.
I hate playing politics. I like sincerity. Do sincerity more. Say things, well, politically.