Regression
January 22th, 2023
What I'm thankful for today:
- A family member's birthday party
- Them appreciating my gift
- The pouring rain last night
- Not having to deal with my parents emotional needs
- Delicious burgers!
On regression
I've heeded some advice on the internet as what to do in my next steps in life. I've realized that I've had it all mixed up.
Me, asking what I'm supposed to be in relation to everything else, rather than asking within what is within.
What I mean is that I should stop to think in not what I should be, but rather what I am.
I've stated all these things these past few weeks about how anguished I am regarding myself and how far I am from my own expectation. It's true. But rather than that, shouldn't I simply be non-judgementally accepting what I am?
Because I am me. And there's no way about that. And to live in any sense of meaningful or satisfactory life, I'm going to have to come to terms with myself. That's just how the logic flows.
Learning to love myself for who I am and accepting all my faults. Just as a lover would accept all the faults of their loved one (in a perfect world.) Except not such a romantic love with myself. Moreso of the healthy narcissistic kind.
The trick here is that half a year ago I was already on track to doing that. But the single catalyst for knocking me back to ground zero was the re-introduction of my parents into my life by me moving back in. Somehow I felt my sense of self and self-caring stripped away from me in that brief re-introduction. And soon I found myself declawed and unable to fend for my own emotional self and needs. Leaving me quite anguished.
I'm certain though that when I move out and detach from the enmeshment my parent's have wrecked upon me I'll find my freedom once again.
"Become as you are." "Become what you are." The words I said so long ago ring in my head. Why had I forgotten something so important to me? It pains me to regress so far.
But now with the painful realization sitting here soundly it's time for me to move forward once again.
To me, answer the question: who am I?
