Recording
October 28th, 2025
Morning
8:30AM. Prior, I fell asleep at 10:30PM. Ten hours of rest.
Running nine miles puts the body to sleep.
To catch the nine train I hurry, but not without watching Instagram Reels waiting for a hotter shower.
My scalp is scrubbed with volumizing shampoo, and my hair in lathered in avocado-based conditioner. A Dr. Squatch bar soap for the body. It smells nice.
The soap slips out of my hand. "Thankfully I'm not in prison," comes to mind as my hand reaches.
Shaving my evening facial hair. Two minutes brushing. A salt water rinse, followed with a tongue scrape.
Contact lenses; Q-tip scrub of ears and nose. Water toner, a deep moisturizer, and Korean sunscreen. My nose checks the towel. Let's use a different towel to dry my hair.
Sideburns and eyebrows: trimmed.
"Maybe I am too healthy—too much hair."
Feeling refreshed, I check the clock: 9' o clock. I missed my train.
Enough time for a power smoothie: a green disgusting dense concoction of fiber and nutrients.
I grimace, "Smoothies aren't suppposed to be chewable."
Down it goes; supplement and smoothie.
Commute
The brakes slam. The bike misses a pedestrian. Oops. My feet hit the pedal as I continue forward.
"Let's be more wary of red lights."
The train is crowded for a past nine train. My eyes drift out the window.
Past the Bayshore stop, my eyes find one of my old blog posts about value propositions.
Cosmic importance. Meaning. Justice. Right and wrong. Good and bad. My memories drift to the times my father would insist on right and wrong. His way was right, my way was wrong.
Is it all that simple? Or was it my father's ego, or perhaps was it something bigger than my father? Are we all just happenstance, entities part of systems, conscious to the idea of it, but not truly free?
This is my stop. I get off and badge into work.
Work
Work is work. I find solutions. Help coworkers. Debug problems. Initiate cross-team collaboration. Push out PRs, and I ask for reviews.
Lunch is odd. I feel needy. I feel all sorts of things. My mind isn't picking the right words, or feeling the right feelings. Whatever that means.
I am not sure how to fix it, but I notice I use the word "I" a lot more. I am "personalizing the world", if that makes sense. In an ego-driven moment, I am making the world revolve around how "I" exist in the world.
Oh, let's not miss the train.
Therapy
Therapy is tonight. I am looking forward to it. But it's been a strange happenstance. More dissociation. More ego. More personalization. More judgement. No longer a healthy detachment. Judgment of the judgmental, and judgemental of the judgement.
It's strange. I am not sure.