Back

Re-structuring

August 27th, 2025

tl;dr

• Bike share
• Train ride
• Morning breakfast
• Work and meetings
• Re-structuring
• Bullshit 1:1s
• Co-worker sendoff
• Call with my brother going home
• Climbing gym
• Seeing a girl I went on like five Hinge dates with
• Leaving quickly and vowing never to return at that time
• Microwaving raw steak

My boss keeps asking me for advice on how to improve as a manager. I don't know how to gently tell him he makes me feel like shit and incompetent.

It's clear to me that if he had the chance to he'd replace me with a version of himself or my coworker who's actually a 10x engineer who dropped out of the fucking sky.

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I'm tired.

Let's see... today I caught the train. I'm participating in the bike share program in the city, but my fucking bike wouldn't dock so I got charged extra. Luckily some nice Samaritan used the bike (on my dime) and parked it so I wouldn't get charged more.

I got on the train and got angry at customer support. Then I got to work, and oh, we're getting re-structured. My manager is being transitioned to an IC role and he's not people managing anymore. Thank God.

I still have lingering tension from participating in stand-ups, they were really stressful and I had to prepare what to say or I felt like he'd be judging my quality as an engineer. I felt like my boss was constantly looking for a reason to distrust me, which, is a great trait to have as an engineer, but as a manager it's just disheartening when the person you're supposed to serve and help actively thinks he could do a better job.

I mean, let's be real. He could do a better job. So he doesn't appreciate the work you do. Fine. That's fine, and we'll get the work done, but do you really think we're going to be happy and anonymously rate you greatly?

Burnout and whatever. I don't know how many times I came home from work and just bawled my eyes out out of stress. I just am not a self-assured person, but I am slowly becoming that self-assured person out of necessity, almost arrogant and hard to work with.

Anyway, he kept pestering me on how to be a better manager. I don't fucking know. I just hate feeling like I'm useless and that you should get rid of me. I know you think I am a poor engineer. You think everyone is a poor engineer. You told the damn intern he's not a good engineer and that he should live life elsewhere. Like what the hell?

I get it, you want more J's (my coworker) to fall out of the sky. You just want to weed out the average engineers so you can get more optimal engineers. Well, go get your wish. I wish you the best for that.

He kept defending his sh*tty actions. Okay, whatever. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Stop scheduling 1:1s. I keep telling you advice because that's what you ask for, but I feel like you're retaliating. I don't think you actually want my feedback, and that's OK. It's okay to not want feedback and to be personally offended. It's okay! Just don't drag me into it.

Yeah I told my coworkers what I do on the weekends. I do a lot of stuff now. I go out and enjoy... life.

After Work

I went to my local climbing gym. Signed up for a membership, and was disheartened to find no weight room, then re-heartened to re-discover the weight room.

I sat in the bathroom because it was really noisy, then put on my headphones and found myself less stressed out. I am finding out I am autistic to noises and find them very distracting.

I went out and walked around then saw W. She was going bouldering. I cringed a little on the inside and quickly left.

I knew I was likely to bump into her, but to bump into her on the first day back to the gym. I am a bit irked. This is why I've decided to go in the mornings.

Busy busy busy busy

Yeah, so I need to get my LLC paperwork in order. I talked with my brother on the train-ride home, seems like he's having relationship problems already. DM'd an old mentor. Chatted with a principal on my old team to check up on him. Seems like he's got a lot on his mind and there's mismanagement on his side too.

But the process seems to repeat itself. Now I look outside the window towards the bridge and the sea of lights across the city. It's funny how life changes. One moment I was spending eight hours a day playing Elden Ring in my Texas suburban home, the next I'm living a life too fast for me to even process and keep up.

Tomorrow I have therapy again. And there rings the 8 o' clock bell from the docks. I have a driver's test tomorrow morning before work as well.

I dislike myself again

I think that's the truth of it. I see my reflection and who I am. I have been numb to how I feel for a while. I constantly fluctuate and am moody. I'm not stabilized and self-assured. And of all, I know I am not ready for love.

I went on a Hinge date on Monday and got ghosted afterwards. I realize that... I realize that I am not really enough. I'm boring. I'm too respectful, and it just feels like a forced job interview.

I look out the window again. I just. I just wonder if it was all worth it. I see people getting married and finding their loved ones. And then, and then there's me.