Public Writings: An Explanation
March 16th, 2024
Now that I've re-published this blog, I feel I owe an apology and explanation to you, the reader. Plus, I've got a really bad allergy right now, so much I'm struggling to breathe and clear my throat. (My emotional state: frustrated, tired, and annoyed.)
What the hell is all this about?
Sorry, I wrote to myself for a while, so it's not clear exactly what the words here are meaning, or rather its that the context that they're being spewed out in isn't described enough---if at all.
The context is this: I have struggled with mental health and bad thoughts for my entire conscious life. I really mean it, I mean my parents have been berating me for longer than I can remember, that's quite frankly the voice I was gifted in my head since birth.
You can read more about my bad thoughts in some of the earlier posts. Most of it is directed at myself. Some, at other people (there are a couple bits of misogyny sprinkled in there, if you like that sort of stuff. Personally, I don't believe it one bit, it's just a reflection of my depression.)
I ran to philosophy and reading about the meaning of life in some shrewd pathetic attempt at understanding my suffering or to alleviate it. To give it meaning.
I struggled with ways to deal with the trouble (stoicism) and struggled with realizations of hopelessness (existentialism and nihilism.)
Drifting about, until recently I began pondering the limits of language, you know. The framework of our beliefs. Then it finally hit me: that truth expressed in language is incredibly limited. Thanks Wittgenstein. (As in, instead of asking "what is the meaning of life?" you should be asking "what do you mean by meaning? What do you mean by life?")
A lot of my recent posts have been about expanding on that idea (an alleged attempt to at least)---recognizing the beauty of language as a function and its limitations.
What else?
I also read some introductory epistomology, and I am convinced it's hard to know anything for certain. I'm hardlined towards a probabilistic philosophy, Bayesian I suppose.
But more importantly, I think I'm beginning to realize how little I know.
Err... so how does this all apply?
Every bad thought in my head, that tells me I'm dumb, retarded, useless, and a walking piece of trash. They are beliefs grounded in language.
And, I've realized that language cannot express absolute truth. Only probabilistic, and even then it is arguably subjective.
So am I bad? Dumb? Retarded? Useless? Am I good? Altruistic? Humane? Smart? Worthy? What do those categorizations even mean? What definitive, objective proof can you even draw out to categorize my experiences like that?
And perhaps, more importantly, does past predict future? If I were supposedly that way before, assuming those are accurate descriptions, will I always be that way in the future?
The more questions I raise, the more I am unsure. The more I am unsure, the better I feel about myself.
So I do not know if I am useless and worthless. Sorry, mom and dad.
I have used my intellectualism and logic as a shield many times before, to say that I know better than those who say I am worthless, but this is the first time in my life I have used my intellect to prove that I know little. It is a shield made of nothing, of void, and it is more durable than any rational explanation I could conjure up before this moment.
To those who say I am worthless, my reply is that I do not know...!
