Peace
November 12th, 2022
I've found my peace again. I started meditating and minding my thoughts. Keeping them positive.
On the off-chance I think of my memories and it riles up my anger again, I grab those feelings and toss them out the window.
Meditation really has helped me focus my mind again. Kind of like sharpening a blade.
But I feel disconnected again. Not really on the same wave-length as others. Just out there and focused. At peace though. The emotions aren't as strong and I don't feel affected.
Melancholy
But it feels empty things being this peaceful. I enjoy it, but I'm starting to feel the frustrations onset themselves into my life.
What's the point?
I'm not sure what to dedicate my life to. I feel controlled in the sense my parents are watching my every move and making sure it's advised by them.
It makes me... sad. And my privacy is little-to-none. I think this blog is one of the only things they aren't aware of and hopefully it stays that way.
I'm twenty-two years old, and I'm still living like this. I feel like I need a lot to happen in my life to really branch out and understand the world around me.
My resolve
I've actually decided to one day go to Asia and seek out a monastery. Somewhere where I can meditate for a week or so. I realize my life has really been one of inner turmoil. Whether that's caused be me or not, I don't know. But I'd like to see what I can do to fix it.
After I land a job in big tech, I'll have enough money to go out and get that experience. Though I'm not sure if it's so worthwhile. Oh well.
I'd also like to run in a few marathons. Maybe dressed up in some cosplay or of the sort. I'd also like to climb a mountain or two. That'd be a nice accomplishment.
Why? Because I feel like it. That's all there is to it.
Stuck
That's the word. That's how I feel like. I feel stuck.
Not making progress. Not moving fast enough. Just stuck in the mud. I've been stuck for a while now. I feel like if I keep living my parents it's going to be this way. Stuck.
I'm not going to be able to progress and I'm not going to be able to move forward with my life if this continues.
Don't get me wrong, my parents are just doing what they believe is best. The only issue is that the have an extreme lack of empathy and an extreme abundance of narcissism. How can anyone give advice if they cannot put themselves in the other person's shoes?
Agh. I just want to be free.
Reflecting on my past internship, it wasn't actually that great being free. I went to work. Went home. Started getting depressed with my life. Chores started stacking. I wasn't sure if the life I was leading was really that great of a life.
Because I went in circles. And wasn't able to focus.
This blog, is really not helping
This blog isn't helping. I'm just complaining and not doing anything about it. And that doesn't net a positive good on the world or for myself. I think I'm going to close this blog and focus on the things I can change.
And, not get stuck in my thoughts anymore. They're so poisonous I can't stand them. They make me want to throw up and gag.
It's so dangerous being inside my head. I wonder how it got to this point. Other than that, I feel my self-esteem has been gradually rebuilt and I feel confident and tackling future challenges.
Closing thoughts
When I first started meditating again, I remember what it was like when my head wasn't so noisy for the first time in years. I felt young again. And at peace. I'm not so sure what happened along the way that was ruined, but it was a good change.
From now on, in this blog I'm going to document the good changes that happen to me, instead of my wishes or hatefulness of the future.
And, I've realized. That if you really want to succeed, seek help. A lot of it. Anything you want to do, look for guidance from others and listen well. I'm going to go find someone who's run marathons before and talk to them. Understand them.
And when I meet new people I get to know them better. I've been struggling to find peace inside of myself that I fail to see others in my vision. It's so clouded inside I can't seem to see all that well anymore.
But hopefully the meditation will clear that up. Cheers.