Parts
February 2nd, 2025
Yesterday I took a girl on Hinge out on a museum date. When we met, she hugged me, and I started to dissociate. The rest of the date was a blur, and I can't remember much. I remember it being very awkward, and the things we exchanged we didn't really connect.
I realized I had a massive wall up. I was dissociating hard. I was not there, and I wasn't present. I was silent, and gave stifled responses to her conversation starters.
She suggested she knew a tea place nearby that we could go grab tea, but I declined her. I admitted to her it was my first date and that I wasn't ready for something like this, and then I left her in the rain. Why did I do that? She was trying so hard to make it work.
I'm not sure why I started to dissociate. There's a part of me that really wanted to enjoy that date. There's a part of me that was really excited, who ran in the morning to get a boost in positive energy, who flossed and picked out his favorite outfit that he thought looked good. There was a part of me that wanted to be that confident, easygoing guy that would just take responsibility and have a good time.
But I just started to dissociate. There's a part of me that feels that she must have been hurt. She's hurt, sad, crying out there, and there's a part of me that just wants to hurt myself.
When I go on these dating apps, I'm scared how excited and happy these girls are to go on dates. There's a part of me that's scared that I'll fail their expectations. There's a part of me that's scared that I won't be enough, and when they get to know me they'll just abandon me and push me away. There's a part of me that feels it's inevitable.
There's a part of me that wants to be loved. There's a part of me that doesn't. There's a part of me that can't stand it when a girl expresses they care for me. There's a part of me that gets angry and upset when people show they care for me. There's a part of me that gets sad and depressed when people show they love me. There's a part of me that wants to hurt myself every time someone expresses they love and care for me.
The world is so kind to me. And I just keep failing it. There's a part of me that feels worthless.
To be what I needed
There's a part of me that wants to grit his teeth and scorch the earth. There's a part of me that just can't give up. There's a part of me that's angry at the world and tired of himself. There's a part of me that just can't seem to shake it off.
There's a part of me that told myself not to off myself. There's a part of me that stopped me from offing myself. There's a part of me that just can't give up. There's a part of me that's just so damn tired. There's a part of me that's just so damn tired of myself and yet won't give up on himself.
There's a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. There's a part of me that wants it so bad. There's a part of me that wants someone to acknowledge how hard I've been working. There's a part of me that is just so damn tired of being alone and lonely. There's a part of me that just wants to accept who I am.
There's a part of me that cries at the thought of not being alone, and there's a part of me that feels like emotions are overwhelming. There's a part of me that can't even acknowledge that there's parts of me. There's a part of me that does. There's a part of me that wants to trust people. There's a part of me that doesn't want to be the villain.
There's a part of me that didn't want to be molested. There's a part of me that didn't want to be pinned down. There's a part of me that didn't want to be touched. There's a part of me that wanted my mother to show me unconditional love. There's a part in me that didn't want my mother to hit me. There's a part in me that wanted my mother to acknowledge how I felt. There's a part of me that didn't want to hide in the closet when my mother got upset. There's a part of me that didn't want to hide in the bathroom behind a locked door. There's a part of me that didn't want her slamming and yelling at the door. There's a part of me that didn't want the bad things in my life to happen to me.
There's a part of me that didn't want to be bullied. There's a part of me that didn't want to be isolated or alone. There's a part of me that doesn't want to be a coward, and there's a part of me that wants to be competent. There's a part of me that wanted to find people to accept me, and there's a part of me that will do anything it takes.
There's a part of me that'll try and stop me. There's a part of me that doesn't want to acknowledge there are parts of me that want to get better. But there's are parts of me that want to get better. There's a part of me that doesn't want to be sick anymore.
There's a part of me that doesn't want to die. There's a part of me that wants to live. There's a part of me that wants to live, so, so badly. There's a part of me that still believes I can be worthy of love.