Ownership
December 1st, 2025
I went to work today to reset myself. I chatted with another manager, and talked a bit about life. Artificial intelligence, what to teach kids for the times to come, and what intelligence really means—predicting the future with accuracy.
He handed me an onboarding document for review for further opinions. I suppose I could add to it.
Self-questions
I notice the best way to learn about myself, and the best way to speak, is to ask myself questions. Regulate my emotions, of course, but rather, ask myself questions like I were prompting myself to recall from the neurons.
Sex
I downloaded the dating apps again, and again, there are a lot of girls who like my profile. There's a voice in me that's telling me to try and go casual, and to just try to have sex with as many people as I can.
But why do I want to have sex with many girls? Is it for the prestige? For the status? To make my d*ck happy? To experience as many people as I can while I have the opportunity to? To "just crack?"
I think for the most part it's the status and prestige that comes with it. To become sexually successful. But I think there's something more important than that, as to why I really want to have sex.
I think, for the most part, I don't want to feel isolated from the great majority of humanity. Right now, I feel like I'm missing a special experience from the vast majority of human beings. That's a feeling on my part, and I'm going to take steps to address it of course.
Because it's something most human beings participate in. Sex. I don't like feeling left out, and I don't like being left out. Like a kid on a playground watching the other kids play.
And now, for whatever reason, I "glowed up" and have the opportunity to go casual with a lot of people, should I do it?
Perhaps what I really should be asking is what I really stand to gain from doing this. And really, what can I do for the girls I'm about to talk to?
Of course, not necessarily that I should not do this, and that I am judging myself, no, rather, from a place of curiosity. Just curious, why are we going on the apps again? What am I looking for by taking action?
What am I looking to spend my time on? What am I looking for?
At the very least, I think I'm looking to enjoy my bachelor lifestyle for a little bit. There's definitely a part of me that's afraid of repeating what I did to W and J, where I became so focused on getting in a relationship I started stepping on boundaries.
Basically, I recognize that I have a disrespectful relationship template, not that it's wrong, but it's going to be incompatible with the majority of people in the San Francisco Bay Area. It'd work in a place more country, and more expressive.
It's that my d*ck wants to get wet, but I recognize that I am not ready for a relationship in the sense of the responsibility. I tend to get swept up in the emotions and lose myself a lot whenever I let the chemistry get to my head, it's a powerful poison.
I recognize that these patterns occur, and I want to change them so that I can form healthy relationships without weighing other people down. And more importantly, it respects my feelings and my boundaries, and takes responsibility for the people around me.
As I've mentioned before, to change requires a change of perspective entirely, a new perception of the world to continue the change. If I am going to change how I approach relationships, I have to approach it from a sense of responsibility instead of taking from others or draining others or just thinking about my ego, negatively or positively.
It's my responsibility to ensure the correctness.
Also, it's my responsibility to pick someone who takes responsibility for themselves too. I'm looking for ownership, curiosity, and autonomy. I'm not looking for a baby to take care of, unfortunately. And I think that's fair.
I'm going to be dating a lot of people, not just for the sex, the sex is nice, but it's moreso to get to know a lot of people well, then pick well. Someone who takes responsibility for their life and drives forward.