Oh Dear
January 31st, 2026
There's been a lot going on:
- I feel I may have crossed C's boundaries this last Thursday. I do not feel good regarding the matter.
- I feel I am emotional constipated, unable to open up to the people around me.
- I am working a lot again, but moreso changing the way things are at work. I think it's for the better.
- My furniture came in and I am spending time constructing it.
- My connection to the mystery of life (I coin that mystery as God) is growing a bit dim. Existentially I feel removed from the matter of it, and disconnected. I feel a bit sad realizing this.
- I feel my preoccupation with C is interfering with my life, and I am beginning to feel a bit suffocated by her preoccupation with me. I do feel she has a strong limerence towards me. Slowly but surely she is asking me to change things in my life, and I am not putting up enough resistance as I should.
- Perhaps more dialogue is needed for my boundaries and needs with C. Surely with people you love the more you love and care for them the more involved and controlling you become. It's just a natural consequence of human nature.
I do feel a bit concerned regarding my life in the moment. I sleep late. I watch a lot of Reels. I spend a lot of time with C. I am beginning to lose touch with my work friends. Things are changing rapidly.
It makes me sad. I am unsure. I am spending less time with my friends from back home in Texas online. I am losing contact with my brother and sister and parents. More and more the time fades away.
I should call my grandma.
What systems and things should I be building? My time seems to be evaporating under the mist of the blue sky. It's that blue blue sky that I look.
Happy hour at work, and I look up towards the night sky and moon. The full moon, ever so bright, and ever so watching my every movement, I wonder, oh dear, I wonder of how the times have changed so quickly. When I was a boy looking out my bedroom window, with the blinds turned up ever so slightly so that I could peak at the stars and moon while laying down backwards with my head facing the door. From time to time the moon stays, and the sun stays, and the stars stay. And from time to time I think to myself, what other things have changed and what other things stay the same?
I recognize that my place on this earth is very small and insignificant. That existential humility seems to carry me very far in my interactions. Perhaps the more I dwell on the existential humility, the more I find peace in this growingly chaotic world.
As I age, the time disapates. I play video games for an hour, and it just slips away. I played video games and chess with my friends back home, but I found that there's a growing rift. I do not call as often, and from time to time that means the bond slowly shirks away.
There was a time I felt I understood the world. Now I still do not understand the world. Like Ishmael on his boat, I feel like I am drifting away towards something I do not understand at all.
There is so much I do not understand, and that is so much confusing to me. There's still the lingering question of where shall I go, what shall I do, and what is there to do?
There's a worry here and there, but I've worried so much in my life. I've talked to a lot of people, but I hope my humility and curiosity don't age out as I get older.
Ah, my feelings are here and there again, and my mind is ruminating. It happens again. I suppose so. Perhaps what I ought to be doing is just spending some time to see my emotions as they are.
Systems, Language, and Life
Our language is our reality, surely, and the language I choose to use to interact with reality is quite forthcoming and reality defining.
How do I build a system of life with others that I wish to participate in?
How do I grow and build systems of life that is in a direction that is beneficial and good for me?
As with the skies and trees, and I see the world toppling and twisting and turning. I see the world folding in on itself and I see the skyline of the San Francisco.
Through the alleyways and roads, and up into the sky looking down, I see it all. And of the things that happen and of the existential worries I have, I do not understand it much at all.
The words and language that come to describe my imagination, it is quite hard from time to time to understand where I am coming from.
Questions upon questions, mind upon mind, and worry upon worry. It's all just something that circulates around in the air and rests in my soul and body.
Why are we here? For what do I do? For what do I exist? And for who do I look into their eyes for?
A disconnect, a flame, what of it?
I think of relationships as a hearth. A flame or a firepit, something you have to keep and tend to consistently. Careful not to let it get too hot and burn up, and careful not to let it get too cold and snuff out.
The world as is all the case. I wonder dearly what creativity and ideas come from anything at all.
I strongly believe that our reality is structured by the language we use to interact with it. So it's very important to spend time learning language and finding and devising new ways to structure and understand the language to grow.
Strong Belief
I am a strong believer that given a set of axioms, all humans will come to the same conclusions and behave the same way. It is simply just what are those axioms, implicit and explicit, that determine how we behave and what we do.
Some axioms are fundamentally shaped by our childhood experiences and in general life experiences, and in so having formed them earlier in life become almost unshakeable. The image and decision of which our experiences form our axioms means that some behaviors and beliefs that we hold are ours to keep forever more.
It's important to elucidate, to understand these implicit axioms, and then to act forthly on them and understand where they are to come from.
Of Ego
I realize that I have ego. And that I can respect my ambition, and my feelings, and my drive to do more. To seek perfection. To seek systems that work for us, and work for everyone.
Running
I ran 10 miles, then I looked out of Lands' End. I went home and built out the rest of my Ikea furniture, I've got a lot to recycle left. It'll be quite the morning.
I'm so tired I don't think I can re-hang my blackout curtains. I'll probably wear my blackout mask.
I'm watching a video on how to live a life. Probably the takeaway I'll listen to is that "don't balance, juggle."
Words are very tricky things.