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Numb

March 12th, 2025

I had been making headway in my therapy sessions. Until I apologized to my friend. Then she told me I was a "good boy," and I fell into a quiet desperation of toxic neediness. I had never felt a positive emotion so strong in my life, that it felt like the birds were calling my name and that all was well in the world, and that had the world turned itself inside out like an origami bird, I would've felt no different.

I think my brain fired a massive dopamine, serotonnin, and oxytocin surge as she told me that, and I found myself tumbling into a religious zealotry over her. I fantasized the following day endlessly over her, and I could not control my obsession over how she treated me.

And the fact of the matter is, is that she doesn't even care for me that much. To think the words of someone who feels so little for me could make me fall apart at the seams, ripped to little shreds.

Two days afterwards, I fell into a depressive numbness, as I realized that those things she had said to me were just transience and a mere pasttime of hers. How dare I let myself get led on by this! And, even if I were to go into a relationship, I would certainly be as controlling and abusive and incel-esque as I did before, for the behavior sources itself from my lack of low self-esteem.

And so, I feel so numb nothing seems to phase me, and I feel so detached from the people around me that nobody can seem to get to know who I am. It feels as if I were looking through the looking-glass, or if I were Alice tumbling down into the rabbit hole, and nobody were to really pull me out, and that the slumbering trees would envelop my being and put me to calm rest.

She is busy. I am so dependent on her for my emotional regulation it scares me. I realize that I must distance myself immediately or I will start to be abusive. I must, I must, I must.

For her sake and for mine. I must face my emotions and my low sense of self-worth, and continue forwards. I cannot go forward like this with my emotions at stake, so I feel as if I must blot out the sun for the sake of not being burned.

Numb.

I am so numb though. I've improved at work, but the question is is what is the point of anything at all? Why cannot I connect with anyone around me? I cannot know. I do not know. I do not know why this is the case.

I'm numb because I want to be. I can't handle the overwhelming emotion I have for her. I just, I just hate that I can't handle the strong emotion, and the judgementalness comes out.

She's also really judgemental I realize. I think I need to avoid her - her judgemnetal nature is rubbing off and activating my neurons in that regard.

I need to stop being judgemental. I need to stop judging my judgement.

Or is it that I forgot everything my therapist told me, that I need to show compassion for everything I think? To let myself think freely? To justify everything in my mind, and to not act exactly act upon it, but to have compassion for why I feel the things I do?

Why I felt the need to shoot up my school, or why I felt the need to be abusive and controlling towards my friend. Why I felt the need to scream down and join the incel rabbithole.

I felt like the world was against me, and that I was all alone. I felt that if I weren't abusing her, she would see me for who I was and see that she was worth so much more than me. I was scared. I was so scared. I am so scared that she will leave me alone again. I am so so so so so scared that she was abandon me again. I am so scared.

I am so scared that beyond all things, that beyond the glory and comprehension of this world, that I will forever be alone. I subconsciously want to neg her and bring her confidence down to my level, so that she will be dependent on me because I am so scared of her leaving me. I am so so so so so so so so so scared. I have such a low sense of self-esteem and depend on her validation so much for some function of confidence. I am so so so so so so so so so so dependent on her.

I know this. I know this all to well. That's why I am thinking of going to cut things off. Plus, she's really judgemental, and it's triggering my judgemental side and telling me to show no compassion to myself.

I want to throw up. I want to love myself. I want to love myself so badly. But what I've done to her, I can't. I can't do it anymore.

I can't seem to forgive myself, even though she's forgiven me. I can't seem to forgive myself.

Shhh. It's okay. You did that from a place of judgement and loneliness. You wanted her company badly. You trusted her and wanted to bring her down, and to tell her off.

Is it? Or am I actually a hateful incel?

Then why are you a hateful incel?

Because my mother and the world didn't want me. They hated me, and they provided nothing to me, so I felt entitled to at least something.

Is that not justified?

No, of course not.

But isn't it painful to not have the world care for you at all?

It is. It's so, so painful. I just wanted someonee to be there to love and care for me, and I couldn't even have that.

Isn't it painful?

Yes.

Do you think it's okay for other people to have this pain?

No. I wouldn't want anyone else to have this pain.

Do you have compassion for incels?

I do. These men have lived hard lives rife with emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and nobody bats an eye. Their lives are difficult enough, so without a single helping hand they turn against the world.

Don't you have compassion for yourself?

I do. Nobody should have to experience what I've gone through.

Remember that Hitler was a human being, and that with all human beings they experience emotions. And that the need to abuse is just as the need to genocide, to right a wrong amongst peoples, and that from all emotions there stemmed a justification. That with all feelings they are undoubtedly justified by the life experiences anyone has gone through and seen.

And?

And to you, your need to neg and tell her incel theories are rooted in the life experiences you've had. Have compassion for yourself and have compassion for others. See and integrate your life experiences and understand why you became a woman-hating incel.

I did it because my mother hated me and didn't want me, and that the girls in my class all called me ugly. They would ask me out when they lost bets, and they would gossip and prod at each other by suggesting they'd have to go out with someone like me.

And?

Yes?

It's justification, but there's more to the story isn't there? Something nasty underneath that current? You're making it sound like you're just a victim.

You're right. I hated women because of the way they'd look at me. I hated how my sexuality made me around them, and I hated who I was when I was around women because of how hypersexual I was. It really was my fault. And most of all, the reason I became an incel isn't because of women, it's because of how much I fucking hated myself. I hated my sexuality, I hated my feelings, and I hated the sorrow I had. I hated that I hated myself, and I had so much boiling hate stemming from the fact I was sexually abused and felt that I needed to be sexually abused that I poured it out towards half of the human population out of frustration.

You...

Yes. I hated myself. And at this point. At this point I accept it. This feeling of self hatred. It's a part of me. It's a part in my internal family system that is just strong. So strong. And so justified. There is so many good reasons to hate myself. There are so many good reasons to love myself too.

I am so judgemental. I am so so so so judgemental.

And I love that part about myself. That part is a part of me. It's got its reasons, so that I can defend myself and not be taken aback when things go sour.

I love that I go numb to protect myself. That's an important part of me.

I love the part of me that goes and dissociates too. And I love that part that infatuates and obsesses over my friend. I love the part that loves deeply. I love the part that loves and cries so much over people, and I love the part that panics at the slightest touch.

I love the part that feels unusual, and I love the part that gets angry at the slightest touch. I love my brain for what it is, for without it I would have died by now.

I love being alive, and I love the part that wants to kill myself. It's looking out for me to have an out if things get too bad, and that's good. It's good that my brain is working overtime to have the ability to protect me and defend me from all harm, including from myself.

I love who I am. Who I've become. I love all the sides of me, incompentent and compenetent. I love how I have severe ups and downs, and I love the self-loathing. I love it all, and I realize in this very moment, who I am, and my very being, I wouldn't need to hate a single part, for with me I carry all the scars and emotional retellings - I carry all the life experiences and justifications which have created the very emotions I used to detest - I realize that even if the sky fell today that the emotions would respond - and that even if the world turned itself upside down my emotions would respond then too - and for me to keep growing is to keep realizing what exactly I am - and for me to keep going and going and going to realize that what I am is what I am because of what I have - and what I had justifies what I feel - and the feelings I have continue to go.

I do not feel worthless. All my parts are here for a reason, and for that reason for me to survive. And if that is the case, then I go to therapy such that I learn to love my parts and to understand and feel what the part of me is saying.

Learn to be numb easily.

Absolute, unconditional, infinite compassion and self-compassion.

To love like no other before.