non-judgement
January 26th, 2023
I'm reading a copy of The Inner Game of Tennis. It's an interesting read. I recommend it.
The gist is this. There are two selves within a person: "the talker" and the "doer."
For example, in a game of tennis it's common to hear someone mutter under their breath after missing a ball, "What am I doing?? Hit the ball damnit." That's the "talker." Who are they talking to? Themself. The self they're talking to is the "doer," the person actually swinging the ball.
The book says our best performances are when our observations aren't clouded by the "talker." Rather, it's when the "doer" has full control to "do" do we do our best.
Makes sense. It's easier to "do" when you don't have an inner critic nagging you ever step of the way.
I realize now why I keep writing. I don't stop myself when I'm writing. I write without any care in the world. I'm not worried. It's just whatever I'm writing. I can write like this for pages on end without end. (It's kind of insane that I've written so much over the past month actually.)
When I write, it's a pure flow state. These are the thoughts I'm thinking with zero filter.
When I draw, I'm constantly re-evaluating myself and my pen strokes. I'm re-measuring and making sure the perspective and proportions and color and angles and feelings are right. Constantly judging the quality of the image. Because of that, I'm dramatically hindered from enjoying the process.
And I didn't improve either. I drew and stagnated. Always was "bad." Then, I just put up the sketchbook in a closet somewhere forever.
tennis
That's why I was bad at tennis. My father would always judge me harshly for my swinging form. Eventually I would judge myself harshly for my swinging form. I ended up chalking it up to "just being a bad tennis player" and put the racquet away in a closet somewhere.
But I'm not a bad tennis player. And the swings that I did back then weren't bad. They were just swings.
And the same goes for any sports I tried in my life. I was "bad" at sports. But it's not that I was bad, it's that I'm judging that I'm bad.
The only thing I've succeeded in doing is programming. The only thing that matters for me is that if it works or not. If it's not working, that's okay. Just means I need to fix it. I notice my peers are visibly upset whenever the debugger shows up, but to me there's nothing inherently bad about the red text.
And that mindset carried me to becoming quite skilled quite quickly.
where I am
This past year has been rather afflicting on my mental health. Actually, I'd say all my life has been plagued by mental health of how "inadequete I am."
I've realized I'm judging myself.
The belief that "every fiber of my being is bad and horrible" has caused me so much pain and suffering.
The only question, is what do I do with that judgement thought? If I judge the way I treat my life, I'd label it again as "bad" and "horrible." That I'm such a "bad" and "horrible" person to have "bad" and "horrible" thoughts. And realizing that, I need to change and stop being "bad" and "horrible."
Do you see the recursion? Nothing changed there in that I still believe I'm "bad" and "horrible." Judging the judgement only leads to judgement. It doesn't end the judgement.
What ends the judgement?
the things we're good at
I notice there's a behaviour in great artists and programmers. The best ones don't think of themselves as "good" or "bad" at their craft. Most notably, they say they just "do it."
The moment they let being "good" or "bad" get to their heads, they stop "doing it."
