Necessity
February 24th, 2026
I did her wrong. I accept that. I cannot dwell on it too long, what matters now is what I do going forward, and what we do going forward as a team.
We need to setup good strategies for managing my emotions. Unfortunately I've placed the burden on her, but she seems willing to take action and contribute.
It appears it would be effective to use that going forward. There's no particular reason this needs to be all on me, and she went into this relationship knowing that I was a textbook avoidant, and I get scared.
The pain and suffering is a lot, but I think what matters most is what we do now to address it.
To take accountability.
One, I need to make sure that I make space in my mind and check-in, am I replying because I think she wants this or because I want this, and when I say those words and ask what she wants, am I doing things because I want to or because she wants to? It's hard to differentiate because we both experienced childhood dynamics that encouraged this.
She can always prompt me for how I feel and opine, but it's a large ask. Plus, I may not necessarily feel safe or feel well enough or feel like what I'm saying is enough to give my real opinion. I may be too afraid of saying my real opinion for fear of hurting her or retribution or being put-down or whatever the case is.
She says she appreciates the consideration, but at the end of the day, if I am swallowing myself and withdrawing myself to be nothing so that she can have the boy she wants, then what?
Is she dating her imagination or is she dating me? I think part of the process of growing up is having realized that I must be myself in my entirety. I must express myself in entirety.
Cognitively I understand that, but emotionally is that the case? I still feel retribution. I still feel like I am under control.
I really do not know.
I feel awful things when interacting with others, and I feel beholden to obey their commands. It's a bit sad. But it's the really truth of the matter, no?
At the end of the day, it's me who's got to take ownership of how I feel. It's unfortunate the life experiences have turned me to feel a certain way, but at the end, it's me who has to deal with these signals in my body that try to take over control. It's up to me to be mindful enough to keep my wits on me and my emotions at bay.
It's about your emotions, and how you handle them. What do you do with them? That's really what the flow of life seems to be about.
Perhaps emotions aren't exactly the mnost encompassing framing, perhaps it's simply—what do you do with all that is about you? What do you do with the world you are seeing and feeling?