Narratives
June 10th, 2026
There's a lot going on in my life. Moves. Investments to make. People to meet. Relationships to keep. Time slipping away. And I haven't gotten the time to think carefully about what it all means, and how to control it in moment to moment, and how to make the most of every moment. I think thinking ahead of time creates time for preparation, and thinking about what you wish to think about and what goal you want to come out of the thought makes writing even more powerful, a narrative persay. To say that you want a narrative to form out of the writing, a conclusion, some decision, some movement towards something, that which is, and that which is without, that is what makes a piece of writing worthwhile. That there is a goal in mind, and not just mindless wandering and meandering around until things come to play.
So for one, the one conundrum I want to sit down and really come to terms with, do I, or do I not want to move in with J as a roommate to possibly save on rent and live a fulfilling relationship-ladden city life in Hayes Valley, or do I want to move closer to my girlfriend C in the Sunset and live out a quiet suburbanite life. The choices are large, and there are tradeoffs. To live with J, well, I'd imagine that I'd come home to my roommate and we'd discuss things that happened to us, and that we'd go out to play video games or grab dinner or perhaps even host a dinner party together with some people in our lives. We'd tell each other dumb things, and well, partake in a very male friendship of the sorts. On weekends we could make ad-hoc plans, because, that person is just there. Of course, we'd have our time to ourselves whether or not we'd really want to spend that day with one another, but there would be the opportunity to make a really close friend.
But I'd forgo the opportunity to have my girlfriend visit more often, and of course we'd have less sex than we have now. We only have sex maybe twice or thrice a month to be honest, and maybe it's enough for many, but for me, sometimes I'd like to have sex six times a month. But I don't think moving to a separate apartment would change that. I don't think that would change, and honestly we'd still be having sex maybe twice or thrice a month, or even once a month as we had been before.
Sure, the downside is that we wouldn't be able to have sex at night really, when my friend is in the apartment. It'd have to be during the day. Additionally, if I did move out on my own to a 1 bedroom apartment I'd have my own privacy and time to relax of course, and additionally there would be time for just the two of us quite frequently. Of course, it'd be the reality of the situation for my girlfriend C, that, well, what can we really afford if she doesn't have a job?
I don't forsee my girlfriend moving in with me anytime soon anyway, it's only be three or four months since we've started officially dating. I think that there's a time and place for everything, but if she were to move in and things were to go haywire, it wouldn't be a great look.
I don't want to move into her parent's duplex, because it just wouldn't be good—if we did breakup it'd be nasty, and frankly, I don't know her parents well enough and if they'd be controlling. They'd be my landlord and have that upper hand / power on me, so they could use it to influence my decisions. I have to be careful who I am paying and why.
The pros would be I'd be saving effectively a lot of money. I'd be saving $30k a year compared to what I am paying now, and that's particularly insane. That's a lot of money, a down payment for a business certainly. I like the sound of that, but at the same time I want my time in San Francisco to be enjoyable, and I want life to pursue in the long-term. I don't feel comfortable if my ex lived upstairs from me because of things that went wrong.
I don't plan on breaking up with C, but you never know what could happen.
Frankly, if J were to move in, it'd be a lot of stupid fun. We'd go hiking a lot and spend more time together. Life would be a bit more colorful and that there would be a lot to learn.
It'd be a particularly more enriching experience in my opinion.
The thing is though, Hayes Valley is a sucky place to live because it's noisy as hell and surrounded by yuppies. That's true, I am a yuppie, but I don't like that yuppie energy, I can feel that they just live privileged lives. I feel it too. Sunset feels like a more down to earth kind of place, and it just feels like the sort of people I'd meet there are people who still live with their parents / families and are on track to having kids in the Sunset as well. Kind of like the suburban family track and less like the yuppie travel life track.
I'm not sure. I swore to myself that I'd be more of the "networking I know a guy" type of person that'd manage their relationships more carefully and seriously, but look where I'm at! I don't really give that many shits about other people. If I were to treat this networking and relationship managing thing like a careful game, maybe I'd care more. But I'm not sure, I don't really get all that much satisfaction from relationship building like other people might. There's just people I want to see and hangout with and people I don't. It's too hard to manage networks and relationships like that. I don't know how the Godfather does it honestly.
I think there's a difference between being that sort of person and wanting to be that sort of person, and I think I fall into that category of that I want to be that sort of person more than I am that person. But to tell you the truth even I have seen myself change dramatically, I thought I was the sort of person that would just enjoy video games and watching anime in my life, and look where I am now! I don't give too many shits about video games and anime, and I think I find myself cautiously thinking about the future more.
Anyway, this thinking I'm doing, I want to come to a decision if that's the kind of life I want to live, with my roommate or with my girlfriend. I think the smarter choice here is roommate, because, well, it's more of an experience and I'll get to being more of life than before, I'll tell you that. And I'll learn more about myself with a proper roommate I actually want to be around this time.
I guess it's time to come to the truth about who I am, and separate that from who I'd like to be and who I am aiming to be and the goals of what I want out of life. And that maybe, what I want out of life and who I am and how I spend my time isn't all something that I can be proud of, that it's something that I really want to do, that it's something that I really, really want. It's about self-acceptance about who I am, the way I spend my time, and what I want to do with my life. Sure, that's what I want to be like and what I want, but that's a should be like what I want and what I want.
I don't know what the truth of it is. Today I hold these thoughts and feelings, and tomorrow I may not. What I am in the now is certainly not who I'll be in the future. It can be rather difficult to coalesce and find the truth of it here in the now, for things will always change. A river may never be the same again, for it keeps on flowing and flowing and flowing. It's hard to tell what I want in the now, because the river will have changed in the future.
There's a wisdom in realizing this, so I suppose the question really is, I should be trying to predict and infer what I'll want in the future. There's uncertainty, and there's that small bit of uncertainty, yes.
It's wise that I recognize that uncertainty now, that I may not know myself then and there. I may not know myself in the moment and in the next. It's wise. It's very wise. It's also wise to kind of guess that, yes, my choices do hold significant influence over what my river will look like in the future. Will it be poison, or will it be golden? I have some semblance of influence over my future, and I want to make sure that I am making the right decisions.
The right decisions meaning, am I becoming the person that I think I'd want to be? Or am I becoming the person that I want to be here and the now?