My Self
March 11th, 2025
My relationship with myself is wrought with tension.
There is compassion and rage and all the matter. It just goes on and on and on and on. I want the voices in my conscious mind to stop. I want to be healthy. I want to find solace in the society I am in, this declining country, and I want to find the stability to pressure through it.
I have a love for the world. I wonder why it is that I keep getting lost.
Tomorrow is my first true EMDR session. I need to find calmness and focus in what I do.
When I was a little boy,
When I was a little boy, I had the phone in my hands ready to call CPS. My mother was starving me again, and I was afraid she'd start beating me. Sometimes if I was bad she'd lock me outside the house, and I'd feel cold in the Texas winter.
I was a bad child in her eyes. Disobedient. Never listened. Stupid. Inattentive. I still remember her shrieking at me to look her in the eyes. It was so intense her rage as she scrunched up her face, and how the tears would well up as I looked in her angry face. And with the tears came the beating.
My mother used us as stress balls. Sometimes we'd just get yelled and beat for no reason at all. As I got older, I learned quickly coping mechanisms to stop her from beating the shit out of me. This included hiding away and fawning whenever she barked at us to come.
My father abandoned me. He couldn't deal with my mother and left us. He's in the same house, but he's like a roommate more than a family member.
My Lesbian Bisexual Friend is Bringing me Down
I reconnected with her, but I realize that her mindset brings me down. She has a victim mindset, and that the world is coming down on her. I recognize that's probably why I was attracted to her in the first place, but I need to move forward.
I know it's selfish, having apologized and telling her that I miss her and all, but interacting with her makes me feel worse. It brings me down. Her energy isn't good. She works hard, but she doesn't have the positive spark I need in a friendship.
I want to grow to be a better person, and through that, I need the spark. I need the spark to grow up and grow hard. I need the spark to face reality, not dodge it in fantasy, and come to my senses and face the reality I am in.
Should I just toss her away? No! But I am growing away, not growing out, just growing away...
She's not the direction I want to take my life in. Objectively speaking. My emotions seem to feel otherwise, but with a few calming sensations, I start to realize she's not the right direction.
But I trust her. Damnit. I don't know if she likes me or not. I want her to call me a good boy again.
Low Trust Society
I'm beginning to realize that I grew up in a low-trust society. I moved to California and the amount of trust people have for one another is impressive. I'm surprised anyone would wish to move away - it seems nonsensical.
Especially me being asian, it doesn't make sense.