My Diary Desu
January 14th, 2023
Writing is more embarassing than speaking. It's like my heart is wide open without the pretensions of the meat. Just my raw unadultered feelings. Agh. Keeping my mouth shut feels better.
I'm going to write anyway. I spent all day in my room. I have a respiratory viral infection. It's left me coughing and contemplating a bit.
MeatSpace
I happened upon an essay I found browsing ycombinator called "You Can't Raise a Baby Online." The essay states:
Even for people who are already a part of [my daughter's] life it's really hard to maintain relationships from a distance. My kid loves her grandparents with all her heart and asks me to call them every day, but whenever we actually make that call, she gets bored after just a minute or two. She doesn't want to hear a disembodied voice of her grandpa talking about some abstract things, she wants to build a tower with him, count colorful buttons together, hug him, and crawl in his lap.
Makes me wonder about the life I've been leading. All my close connections... actually I don't have any close connections. Ha. Fuck, it's ruined.
But the semi-close connections I keep are all results of meatspace. Never have I made an online friend like that. Plus, there's an indescribable feeling for meeting people in real life versus on the computer through a microphone.
As time keeps passing on in the digital age, I can only feel the stories becoming more artificial. Unreal. Kind of like how Miyazaki once said (paraphrased) that anime is becoming a bastardization of itself. That anime is no longer based on real life tropes or experiences, but rather the tropes of the previous anime generation.
Take the tsundere trope that's so common in anime. From Evangelion, all the way to the 2000s with Clannad and To-Love-Ru, then to the 2010s with Nisekoi or BokuBen. Now, we have things like "Quintessential Quintuplets." It makes me wonder as time goes on, do these fantasy romcoms have any grounding in reality? I feel as time progresses it becomes more grounded in "anime reality" than "reality." (But they're fun, that's why I read them despite this criticism.)
MeatSpace
But I don't feel alive consuming so much media anymore... all the Twitter feeds. Reddit karma. YouTube shorts and TikTok shit being stuffed down my throat. I feel like I'm dying. This isn't real at all.
As someone who has been a netizen since I was eight years old, I'm beginning to realize that I'm really no different than that baby in the article. I don't want to hear distorted voices through a speaker, hiding behind my desk safe in my room. It's depressing.
Staying in your room on the computer is no different than being put in solitary confinement with an unlimited supply of books. I don't see "virtual socialization" as ever becoming a possibility. It's just not possible to replace what's "real."
Because to feel alive you have to live. And to live means you have to go out and live. I don't think staying in one spot is living at all. I'm mentally dying.
MeatSpace
So what brought me into here in the first place? What put me in the world of the wired? It's obvious my emotional state is deteriorating.
It's my self-loathing. I've hated myself ever since I was a kid. I just couldn't do things right. No, it was something far deeper.
It's my narcissism. If you graphed a chart of my thoughts and placed them into five categories:
- thoughts of self
- thoughts of family/loved ones
- thoughts of friends
- thoughts of acquaintances
- thoughts of strangers
You'd find 95% of my thoughts are only of myself. I'd say 4% of the thoughts are dedicated for family. 1% is for the rest of them. Objectively speaking, I'm a narcissist. I hate it. I hate it so much.
I make great impressions on people. So much that they'd love to be friends and give me their contact information. I just never contact them because I don't think of them. Or, when I do, I'm just so damn afraid of what they'll think. What happens when they find out I'm a fucking weirdo?
You know, people are looking for quality friends? Most people already have a lot of friends to pick and choose from. Why choose me? People want to surround themselves with successful and happy personas so that would rub off on them too.
How do I fix myself? I don't know anymore...
How can I make things better? I realize the drive to become altruistic is from an egotistical source (my own well-being,) but I really want to become better person. A caring person. A person who cares about the day to day and not just trying to end a conversation short because I feel like I'm being a terrible bother.
I'm at a breaking point. I want to give up and not give a fuck again. I want to just rage and get angry. FUCK. What's stopping me from having friends? What's stopping me from just having a nice life? God, I just want the pain to fucking end.
MeatSpace
Anyway, sorry about that! How was your day today? Yeah, the weather's getting chilly again isn't it? Oh? Really? I didn't know that your... yeah, that's good to hear. Hey, have you heard from XXXX recently? I haven't really talked to them in a while... Oh, you started XXXXX? Dude, what's that like? Haha.
