Moving Out
August 20th, 2024
I've spent the past three weeks moving to another state. I finally begin that tech job I had been speaking about for some time.
It's a bit of trouble. I am from Texas, and I'm moving to California. I will say that the culture clash is more bizarre than you might expect: a conservative-leaning indivudal going to a progressive-state; what can go wrong?
My observation has been rather interesting though. People here are both more conservative and individualistic in ways you might not expect. People are less friendly here, and they're rather cold, which is fitting for the weather I guess. Women walk around wearing skirts and dresses, and there are so many stay-at-home wives and moms. Men are bread-winners here, and life is idyllic in the suburbs.
Culturally speaking, this area of California is more conservative and traditional than Texas. Stay at home moms. Skirts and dresses and suits and nice shoes. Sure, in Silicon Valley people dress sloppily, but they differentiate themselves from the homeless. You're really just swapping one type of outfit for another: people still dress very well to differentiate themselves from the homeless people here. On pervasive societal issues, they lean more progressive, which really, what that tells me, is that words and labels don't mean shit.
People here are more racist too. They'll "other" you more readily, and the neighborhoods themselves are extremely segregated. It's no wonder that racism is such a big issue for Californians: because it is an issue.
I won't say that Texas doesn't have its fair share of racism. But it feels more passive aggressive and overt here, like it actually matters a lot, and it'll stop you from associating and being friends of different races unless you're a deep progressive city goer (SF proper).
Moving Out
To be frank, people just don't care about you here.
I'm not sure if this is something to do with growing up, or rather that it's my experience in this region of the world, but people really are individualistic and materialistic here and really just don't give a shit about you.
Try having small talk in Silicon Valley and you'll see what I mean: it's absolute dogshit. People don't want to do it here.
You have to go out of your way to a specific interest, then hyper-focus on that interest to bond with people. People just don't want to bond over mundane shit here.
Also, a lot of people here are self-centered. You just ask them a lot of questions about themselves and they can talk for a long time. A lot of ivy leaguers are like that, which isn't the worst thing, because, well, they are that important to talk about themselves, but it's missing that down-to-earth goodness that folks back at home had.
I'm just complaining that it's different. It's just the way things are here. It's elitist. It's yuppie-central. It's where a modern day American Psycho would take place, and frankly, I'm no different from everyone here.
The locals really don't like the look of me though. A skinny asian man is a recipe for tech, and techies jack up the rent and usually act like jackasses too. And, it's too bad that I'm way too awkward to get along with my coworkers that well.
Parents
My mom and dad really do care for me. They want the best for me. Now that they're gone, and only reachable by phone, the world is lonelier and quieter.
I miss my siblings and my cousins. This world is so uncaring without family.
But for some reason I look out my window, into the starry sky, into the sea of lights of Silicon Valley, and I can't for some reason put my finger on the scale and say I'd like to make some friends and have some company. I just can't like people as I am now.
People just don't care, and neither do I. And, I hate myself for it. And, now, I'm starting to hate other people for it.
My Friend
I haven't spoken to her in two weeks, and like, what the hell. It's bothering the hell out of me. Why hasn't she texted me? Why haven't I texted her? Why am I hesitating?
My dear lesbian friend, whom, somehow, I care about so much. Maybe the thing that's really eating me away is that I probably care and think about her more than she cares and thinks about me, and frankly, that's really unfair for her. It's unfair and overbearing, and I think that's just a terrible thing to put on someone, especially someone who can't ever reciprocate those feelings.
And frankly, it's unfair for me. Why should I put myself through this? Putting myself in a relationship that'll never amount to anything. It's best to distance and disconnect. To let time ease the burden.
It's just stupid that I let myself catch feelings like this, but she's just so, so, she's just so loveable. She's one of those girls that I like the more I get to know her, and not the other way around. When you meet people like that you really appreciate them.
Depression
I'm trying to cure my depression. It just seems not to work all that well. Is all this babbling shit worth it? What the fuck do I even do? What the fuck should I do to care?
Yes, I heavily dislike myself. You dislike me too? Good. We have something in common.
Honestly, I've been unmasking and emoting more of what I really feel from day to day, and I feel a lot less exhausted. I'm just a depressed wet sod of fucking shit poo poo, and when it really comes down to it I've got a ferocious sense of humor that sticks the middle finger to everyone.
Real City Lights
The virtual world is nowhere near as pretty as the actual. My goodness. I love this city view---I wish the rest of America designed their cities like this, and not sprawling suburban shitholes that lead to nowhere with the most convoluted, inefficient expressway that even Satan couldn't come up with.
Small houses are the way to go---paired with mixed zoning of residences and stores. Even better if we had residences on top of the stores.
Working
I like my work. My coworkers are under an immense amount of stress, so I try to lay off them. They have a lot of projects, at least most of them, and they don't have too much time for mentoring.
I like my work from home days, I don't have to spend time masking or anything like that. I don't have to spend effort masking. It's a big social expenditure of energy.
I'm kind of a shit engineer it turns out, I'm not the greatest at coming up with solutions. But I've only just started---it's said that it takes three to nine months to really onboard and get to know a new codebase. So, we'll see. Maybe I can grok it faster? Maybe I can grok it slower. To say the least, I'm not going to get fired without trying my best.
When I finally get this shithole internet working, I'll be able to work from home, and then the weekends I'll be free to do whatever the hell I want. Maybe I can finally go to those figure drawing lessons I've been wanting to go to.
Dual-n-back
A godsend. It really reclaims my atttention-span. It's insane.
Wittgenstein, and the Abstractions
I always keep it in the back of my mind. Especially since my job is a thinking job, it's exhausting thinking of abstractions and concepts that people just come up with just for the fuck of it. Please, come up with useful abstractions and don't layer on shit on top of shit. It makes it hard to work with. It's always easier to re-design and rip shit up, I promise.
It's easier in the long run, but it'd take more time. That's the issue...
Zoom Out
When surfing /biz/, or at least when I used to, they would always say "zoom out."
Zoom out. See the big picture, the scope of things. What's really going on. See it in other people's context, and really zoom out. What's the purpose of all this? What's the purpose of being involved and getting money, and getting a job, and all these things?
What's the purpose of it all? Zoom out.
Try to live life with intention. I don't like just hanging out with friends, I understand the network is the net worth, but seriously, I don't enjoy spending time with other people where I have to mask. It's just not worth it. But I do it anyway.
Do I just want to paint pictures? Is that all I want to do?
Do I just want to make video games? Is that all I want to do?
Do I want to help people? Do I even care for other people like that? Do I even think that I can make a difference?
Just do stuff. Do cool stuff. Do lame stuff.
No. Just make stuff. Writing this blog here is a good start. Just... start writing. Write the ideas. Write the algorithms. Write the design. Just keep writing.