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More Unstable

February 20th, 2025

Over the years, I've actually become more raw and unhinged as the years went by. You'd have to assume with age a person would become more calm and wiser.

I wanted to step back and regain that control. Let's re-evaluate my current life events and why it's spiraling out of control.

Here's the list:

  1. I have moved across the country alone.
  2. I have a stressful job. I am overwhelmed.
  3. I work overtime a lot.
  4. I don't have much time to relax. Too many responsibilities.
  5. My closest and only friend cut contact and ghosted me because I was toxic.
  6. I can't trust people enough to make close friends.
  7. I cut contact with my parents since they are controlling.
  8. I cut contact with my cousins because they're toxic and uncompassionate.
  9. The first date I went on in my life I hardcore dissociated.
  10. I started therapy because I started to dissociate more and more.
  11. My depression worsened and I no longer enjoy playing video games or watching media.

So my only form of socialization relies on my coworkers which has limitations. The instability grows as I cull my old connections and try to form more healthy ones.

Hmm. As of now, it appears that things are only going to get worse before they get better. I should try to make friends outside of my coworkers I believe, because there are only so many things you can share with your coworkers. I do think this may be a misguided form of distrust, but it still doesn't hurt to have distance and be cautious.

Action Items

I am going to plan some action items for me to start feeling better. The past three hours I sat in my car blasting depressing, mellow music while dissociating. Crying is good, but dissociating destroys brain matter, so I'll try not to engage in that if I can.

To combat my worsening mental illness I am going to:

  • Eat 30g of fiber
  • Vitamin D supplementation 6000IU/day
  • Canned sardines or canned oysters for the Omega-3
  • Drink a vegetable smoothie blend to get all the necessary nutrients
  • Brush teeth and floss
  • Eat four servings of fermented food
  • Run every morning
  • Lift heavy weights
  • Eat fruits, nuts, veggies, and seeds
  • Eat root vegetables, leafy greens, fish, whole grains, and beans
  • Sleep at the same time 9pm every day
  • Drink lots of water
  • Avoid fast food and oily foods
  • Avoid sugary foods and drinks
  • Avoid dairy and buttery foods
  • Sunlight: at least an hour of direct exposure
  • Sleep as long as necessary
  • Eat 30 different kinds of vegetables every week
  • Daily positive affirmations.

Personally, I don't think positive affirmations are a treatment, but I do enjoy recounting as a hobby:

  1. I masturbated for the first time in a while, and it was an omega load, haha.
  2. I drew for the first time in a while. A bunch of guys smoking in my sketchbook.
  3. I got a chance to listen to some new songs. I like The Pillows a lot.
  4. My coworker invited me out to lunch! I think she thinks I am okay as a human being. Haha.
  5. The coworker friend group in my life cares for me and invited me to Thursday get together. I declined because I wasn't feeling well, but they respected my wishes. I really appreciate that!
  6. I got a chance to write in this journal in a respectable manner for the first time in a while. I haven't done this in ages because usually I'd go on a schizo rant that's ungrounded in reality.
  7. My skin cleared up today! I started using Neutrogena water gel thing, and it moisturized and cleared up my skin. It feels very smooth now.
  8. I went home early to take a nap in bed today. I probably shouldn't have done that, but still it's good that I had the opportunity to take care of myself and my mental health.
  9. After writing this journal entry, I'm starting to feel a lot better. Maybe I should always take the cognitive and intellectual approach to my emotions.
  10. In fact, I'm feeling motivated to write code in my spare time a little bit. Maybe!
Thanks for reading dear reader, cheers!