Missed Appointment
September 23rd, 2025
Chimpanzees self-pleasure as stress-relief for sexual frustration.
Five masturbation sessions in two days. A religious ailment is burrowing in my soul. Not in the purity sense, but in the "I'm wasting my life" sense.
Missed Appointment
Home from work, I played Cult of the Lamb for several fun hours. And because of the fun, I missed my online therapy appointment.
I collapsed on the floor in a pitiful whimper tantrum. It's pathetic; I know; we all make mistakes. It's okay to miss an appointment. But there I was: belly up and mutter-whining.
Why can't I honor my commitments?
From my earliest memories I knew I hated missing appointments. The first date of my life I was late, and I was in a foul mood.
Staring at the ceiling, my mind was racing—a scorched earth solution: video game ban, time blocking, whatever it took to get my shit together.
But I must forgive myself. I must. It's hard. I want to cry.
I can't seem to do it.
I can't seem to do anything right.
Nothing I ever do turns out right, and I can't GODDAMNIT get my shit together...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT?
DO I HAVE ADHD? WHAT DO I HAVE? AND EVEN THEN, IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER, NO?
I... I just can't seem to do anything at all... I can't I can't I can't I can't
I'm just so damn pitiful, I can't do this, I can't even schedule a goddamn appointment right. I can't even get my work down, I can't communicate properly, I can't do anything right, I can't I can't I can't I can't
The Bay Area
Out my window there must have been thousands of window panes scattered across the city.
I took a seat on my patio. The bay water crashed on the embarkment. Waymos and street buses buzzed in the streets. Families watched TV. The wind howled. The sound of a bicycle bell reverberated. A motorcycle revved.
Infinity melds with the black night—reflections of life below dissipate into the night world above; our lives and lights journeying to the deep pockets of our galaxy for infinity.
No, I might not be able to forgive myself today. But the world will turn. The moon is beautiful, isn't it?
The world is all that is the case.
