Mind the Step
January 16th, 2025
Yesterday, I ate ramen on my own and went for a night walk while listening to sad music. I stood on the beach, watching the full moon reflect on the grey sand. It looked ethereal.
I think I feel better today. I also took a puff of asthma inhaler before going to sleep, and today I turned my air purifier on to take out the particulate and allergenic matter in my room.
I think this week has been rough. My cousin asked me to help him on his coding assessment, but he can't even really pass it himself. So it really just ends up me or ChatGPT being the code writer. I don't know this guy, but I don't think he's going to get a job at this rate.
And for me, I have my worry of not being able to keep my job. I think what I want out of my job is to basically be confident and accountable. I think I want these traits in my life too.
I want to be more confident in what I see and believe, and I want to be more responsible for the things I am overseeing. I want accountability and reliability.
A friend once told me once that she saw me as quite reliable. I want that sort of reputation still. I miss her still.
Growth
I notice that as long as I am taking accountability for my emotions, it doesn't matter how strong the mood swing I have is. What's important is that I do things to address my mood swings. If I am sad, depressingly sad, I take the day off and go for a night walk or something of the sort.
If I am angry, I express my opinion in a matter-of-fact communication style, a la debating simply the facts. Working with other people to come to a win-win solution.
If I am frightened or cowardly, I simply express that. If I am feeling ashamed, I express that as well.
Reminiscing Over the Details
I kind of realize that not everyone is perfect. And that we all come from somewhere.
For instance, I realize that I came from a bigoted, racist, and sexist background. I didn't quite realize this until I moved away and interacted with my cousins again. They're just... mean and emotionally numb.
Not to discredit being emotionally numb, and I certainly see why they are that way. I just wish there could be a compromise struck, but I think they are stuck in their ways for no reason. Do I think my way is better?
I certainly have to if I am going to pick behaving this way over their way. I do think my way is better, but that's just the way of "growth," isn't it?
I used to be this bigoted and sexist guy, and I used to be so angry all the time. I used to be this borderline incel type of guy who'd browse 4chan and get angry at everything on the internet.
I used to be unaccountable. But now I want to change again. I want to care about my life.
Unmistakable Change
I'm glad I came to this team. I switched teams from before. I don't want to judge my old team, for they have their perks, and frankly, I'm risking my hide being on this team because of how high of a performing standard we are. Not sure though, I guess I trust V, the hiring manager, as to why he selected me.
People have their own stories, and their own traumas to deal with. And I respect that. I have my own bigoted and racist and sexist past life, and I'm going forward in a step to not hate so much.
I want to find ways to healthily express my emotional state, without resorting to fight/flight/freeze/fawn.
Expressing Hate, or Expressing Words
I should talk to my cousin regarding his behaviour. I need to set boundaries.
The more uncomfortable conversations I have, the better.
When people make me feel bad, I need to communicate their behaviour makes me feel bad instead of bottle it up. And I'll do it in a healthy, boundary setting way.