Making Safety
February 2nd, 2026
I noticed that lately I haven't been feeling safe. I haven't been feeling well.
I am sensitive, yes.
But these are all judgements. I realize the words I have been telling myself have been rather cruel and judgement.
Of all sky and sea, aren't I not human too? Can I not fumble and make mistakes? For what am I, but nothing but another human being? Look! Look at me!
I cannot be anything but the human I am. Yes I felt all sorts of emotions in the past, I've been tumbling at the bottom, helpless, victimized, and I've thought of myself horrible, and others as enemies.
I've thought myself an enemy, I've thought myself everything. I've been scared. I've been happy. I've been afraid. I've been in love. I've been this and that and all the above!
I cannot and I cannot again understand. Perhaps, perhaps it is something.
Of sky and sea, what do I know? Of sky and sea...
I do not know what is in the horizon above me. I do not know.
I feel terribly unsafe. I feel like my head is to burst into flames any moment now, and I cannot for the life of me understand it at all.
I am tired. I am terribly tired and depressed. And that makes me unbearably human.
I want to throw up. I want to just throw it all up.
I am becoming quite a bit sick, and my emotions are tormenting and driving me nuts. I know not to listen, and to see them as signals, but yes, aren't I human at all? It's just all a part of me.
The revulsion. The shock. The tiredness. I do not know anything at all.
I am tired. All these truths in my head of justice, of right and wrong, of morality, of all that is in the sky, of what one should or should not do, I do not know! I do not know any of it all.
I do not know the truth, and I do not know anything of it at all. I do not know I do not know I do not know what to do.
Yet I must, and must, and must do this or that. I cannot. I cannot for the life of me understand it at all.
Of morality, I know not. I do not know of the right thing to do, but I listen to reason and reason I must. But even with reason there are many considerations to consider.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
Of safety, of sea and stars. I do not know any of it at all.
My mind tumbles in a loop of disorienting drama, I cannot know. I do not know what to do and what is right or wrong in my life, or what the narrative of my life even is anymore. I am in a state of which I do not know! I cannot know!
The words are so dangerous, and the words are just so marvelous! I do not know any of it at all...
I know that I do not know anything at all. I see myself as nothing at all, and I see myself as all knowing of everything at all.
Extend the empathy to myself
I can see why others act in certain ways. I can extend the same feelings towards myself.
Self-empathy.
As I am no different than any other human being.
Why do I go mute on people, and during work? Well, because, I just feel unsafe with the big emotions. Silence is my way of protecting myself and other around me, and I think that's fairly reasonable.
It's often the case that I get very big emotions, swinging very high. It's important to be careful, or rather, seek to understand.
Perhaps it is that big emotions become big when I refuse to listen to them.
For what reason does an emotion come, I wonder? For not my nervous system and limbic system trying to communicate something important to me.
Looking out the window
I simply am as I am.
Even looking out the window, I feel self-compassion in my reflection. I see the hundreds of windows across the San Francisco skyline, and I can only imagine to myself, what of it all?
I am simply as I am, I cannot force a thought either way.