Love
November 30th, 2025
A lot has happened. I went on vacation and worked remote to visit family. I'll jot a couple notes for the memory:
- Mexico City trip with cousins. Feeling a little detached and dissociated. Stoic. I felt performative.
- Coming home to parents. I identified what exactly my parents had done wrong with me.
- My mother, cornering me, full on dry-heaving, coughing, and sobbing about how sorry she was. I was exhausted. I had told her earlier how exhausting it was for me just to say no without worrying she's going to get violent with me or hurt herself.
- My father, confiding in me that he is on the verge of divorce. He is trying to work on my mother.
- Dissociating and shutting down when going out with my sister's friends. My sister did not appreciate that.
- Playing Clash Royale for nine plus hours everyday in Houston. There's not much to do there. I am pretty sure I was coping as well, just as I used to, by drowning out my reality with video games.
Let's see, my parent's aren't at fault. I think that's what love is, recognizing that we are humans sharing this moment so rare and fleeting, and of it all, experiencing the consequences of systems that we ourselves have little influence over.
My parents act this way because of the experiences they had, and those actors in those experiences act the same way for the same reasons. And the same goes for me.
But I cannot do it anymore. I cannot swallow and shrink myself just so my mother can be emotionally stable. She's consumed so much of my life and identity, and I don't even think she realizes what she's done. Hell, I hadn't even realized it until this year.
Enmeshment, parentification, co-dependency, narcissism, and high anxiety.
I don't want to go home anymore to be honest. It's just exhausting. And dramatic. So much drama. I can't deal with it honestly.
A relationship
Perhaps when I was young, what I didn't want was a relationship in the normal sense, but in the parentified sense. I wanted someone to take care of me, especially since I was holding the emotional burdens of my parents' divorce on my back.
I wanted someone to tend to what I emotionally needed, not what my parents wanted or needed of me.
But now that I am older, I am questioning the very fundamental need for a relationship.
A step-by-step plan for discovering your wants - ChatGPT
I like being naked and walking around the house. I like singing and humming while walking. I like the sun on my face. A warm shower. A cold shower too.
I like being given space. I like it when people don't burden me with their problems. I like it when people don't throw all their life's troubles onto me when I walk into the door. I like not having to hear complaining. I like hearing optimism. I like hearing about future plans. I like hearing about things you enjoyed.
I like hearing good news. I like hearing about hope for the future. I like hearing that you enjoyed something, or that you successfully won at something.
When I talk to people. Hmm. I like hearing funny things. Hilarious things. Lighthearted things. I like hearing about what you're worried about, and what you're going to do to solve it.
I don't like being expected to feel sad and mopey with you. I don't like being forced to feel sad with you during the conversation just so that you feel better. I like doing that voluntarily, but I don't like being forced to do it. I don't like being made a bad guy, or an asshole, it doesn't make me feel great, but at this point I am becoming more numb to it.
I like conversations about being a winner, or growing, or trying something new. Tell me about your new experience, and how it's different from the others. Tell me about an interesting fact, or something you liked about it. Something noteworthy. I like talking about things, and talking about the things that you noted especially, and perhaps why you noted those things in your trip.
I do like talking about philosophy, but only when it's productive. And both sides are listening. I think more importantly taking time to both observe the mystery of the universe is something I really enjoy.
That is, the mystery of existence, and how we even inhabit the same spaces that we do.
I don't like being guilt-tripped or manipulated. I don't like being emotionally coerced into doing something I don't want to do. I don't like having to see that my actions are causing harm. I don't like causing harm to other people, but if I can't even say what I like or dislike, what can I even do?
I don't like being unable to express myself or my thoughts. I don't like having my behaviour policed and watched over. I don't like being monitored. Like when I'm in the shower and I'm singing, I don't like it when I come out of the shower and my parents are commenting on my song choice. I don't like being listened that closely, I'd love some privacy.
I don't like being watched 24/7. It makes me feel suffocated. It makes me feel empty. It makes me feel like I want to throw up. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I like boundaries. And distance. It feels safe. It feels like nobody is going to come hurt me for what I think or say.