Lost
September 7th, 2025
My cousin called me up. I talked to him for a little bit. He seems like he's having a rough time ever since his girl broke up with him.
His girlfriend was Muslim, and he converted (or I suppose "reverted" would be the correct terminology for the faith.) But he's not Middle Eastern, so there'd always be that rift between the two families. She cited that as grounds to end the relationship, and that it'd be a very painful one.
To be honest, when I look at how they interacted at parties, I don't think that's the real reason she broke up with him. This dude is very insecure and is very reliant on her for validation. She seems a bit tired of his antics and his clear immaturity at parties constantly trying to one-up and make people the butt of the joke. For reference, he watches a lot of those red-pill sigma high-testosterone I-gamble-one-million-dollars with-a-nice-car type Twitch streamers and laughs at them.
My cousin often felt insecure about how much money I made and loudly made that insecurity public constantly. I try to dodge the conversation when it comes to money and family.
Anyway, he called me up, and I figured I'd talk to him for a little. He doesn't seem well. He kept referencing self-harm and being in a bad spot. Continually, he kept trying to drag the conversation to him and his feelings rather than interact with me.
I told him let's just play a game and try to enjoy the time. I told him to go see a therapist or a counseler, and that they would be able to sort himself out and help. To think of it like professional coaching and development, and not like some mumbo jumbo talk stuff.
He's very against the idea. He said he'd rather get a cat. I didn't press forward.
He's a grown man, he needs to take care of himself. I hate to say it, but he needs to seek out therapy on his own. I can't be dragged down with him just so he has company in his misery.
I briefly spoke with my cousin A, and actually found him to have matured. He seems more, put together and higher EQ. And well, he's verifiably more positive than before. He said he believes in me. I find it interesting to be honest. I believe in the him that believes in me.
Naps
I love naps. I took a fat nap after the call, then I woke up to goon.
Not going to say much here, but sexual energy is a very strong motivator.
For a stronger image, I gooned and coomed, a lot.
Last Night
The girl I went on a Hinge date like two weeks ago actually found my IG and DM'd me.
I told her what had happened—that she was the last Hinge date I'd ever go on, and that I had prematurely deleted the app and took a break from dating.
We chatted, turns out we had a mutual from our college days. That mutual is a fucking degenerate, so I had a laugh.
She asked if I was willing to go on dates again. I told her okay, and that it was just for her. She's going on a trip, so when she gets back I'll ask her to do something fun, I'm not sure what yet.
Let's just see. Dating for me has always ended in some sort of heartbreak. Or stress. Or just not knowing what the hell is going on.
I'm insecure about my inexperience, but at the same time I think it's okay to just be insecure. Like, just be insecure. I think that's how you can overcome most insecurities. Just... be it.
Somehow, only able to move forward
I've spent a lot less time remniscing over the past, or even thinking about the life I've lived. I'm glad I'm jotting these notes down, so at least I can read back and remember.
I headed down to Mission this evening. I biked down not Folsom but Howard street. It's got nice bike lanes. I saw a lot of Hispanic stores down Valencia, and was confused why South Van Ness wasn't that busy. Turns out the main street in Mission is Valencia.
Mission in 2025 has got this grimey smokey vibe. Not sure it's my cup of tea, it's a bit gross to be honest. And there are a lot of Hispanic folks who clearly congregate together and push out outsiders, sort of. I don't see many techies there, maybe moreso rich White people visiting the clubs in the area? I visited a Chinese-Vietnamese fusion food place, which was pretty good.
When I took the BART going back up, there were a lot of sellers and homeless and musicians congregated right outside the BART station going downstairs. Verily scary I would say. And homeless people smell really bad.
Walking around and biking around alone isn't that bad. I got to explore new places and meet new vibes. Pretty cool if you ask me.
I got on the BART and saw a pretty girl. Well-dressed. I wonder if I should start wearing trendy clothes and baggy pants and the like, but then I realize I'm twenty-five.
I think I'm a little to old to be caring about what other people think.
Smile lines
Smile lines finally started to appear on my face. Surprisingly late, since I'm already quite old. But I'm trying to drink water and moisturize them away, so that the lines don't show on my face even deeper.
I'm starting to think the job I'd had up to this point has been stressing me out incessantly. I don't want to deal with it anymore.
Maid Dress
I wore a maid dress to an anime convention/rave. It was less exciting than I'd thought. People just looked at me on the train, and I had the most stone-cold face/no reaction that I think people just didn't really care.
I mean sure, they might point it out for like 5 seconds, but then they're just back on their phones. A curated feed has more to offer of interest than a young dude in a cute maid dress, of course.
Anyway, I found some of the online folks I metup there to be a bit, well, emotionally unintelligent? They just ranted about power scaling conversations or waifus or anime shit they last watched, which to be honest I think I've grown out of. I just could not care much for TV anymore. Most of the guys were cool, and I liked supporting one of the guys who was a DJ.
A lot of them seemed nervous and slightly autistic. Like, just didn't want to open up or interact. It's okay. I'm just there for the rave vibes anyway.
I signed up for another anime rave this upcoming month, and I signed up for a rave in October as well. It's going to be fun!
I've been going to events alone, because, well, I haven't found anyone I really vibe with yet.
Skin and hair
Just realized that your skin and hair are the largest indicators of health on your body. They're just paramount to monitoring how healthy you are.
I haven't been eating my vegetables, just my fiber and high fat proteins. I realize I need to be hitting those micro-nutrients just as much, and perhaps will return to making blended green smothies every morning.
M
That girl, M, I spoke of briefly so many months ago. I forgot it wasn't M, my coworker, but rather, M, the girl I met on a Discord server. Yes, she's moving soon. And, well, she's a shut-in who hangs out with my bit-of-a-downer cousin a lot.
I guess you sort of gravitate towards whatever mindset is most similar to you.
She definitely feels the big sad. I am not sure what she's going to do with the advent of AI and going to art school. She's not rich. Not sure how this will work out, but I hope the best for her.
Zoom Out
Pale blue dot, huh? I'm just one life on this big earth. Zoom all the way out, and it really feels like a dream. I still remember I was quoting Dazai just the other day, and now I feel as if I must be positive.
How the world can change in just a minute, and how the world never seems to change.