Losing Touch
September 10th, 2025
I woke up late this morning at 6:30AM. Typically, I need to wake up earlier to get to the climbing gym when it opens.
I pulled up Instagram Reels and sat in a goon haze watching Douyin girls. Their belly buttons peeking out from underneath their tight white shirts and their swaying hips with 1000x filters or hip pads. Ever since I've been more consistent with my health, I've been more consistent with my horniness.
My new blender came in the mail last night, so I blended my vegetable salad mix rather than chewing through it and cooked myself four eggs using duck fat. Duck fat is a new addition that I ordered off Amazon, and honestly I couldn't taste much of it. Lard and tallow have a stronger flavor profile. I paired my eggs with sauerkraut for a stronger flavor, a can of sardines, and my bean-legume mix from this week's batch.
I headed out of my apartment and biked to the climbing gym. I've significantly improved since just last week. I'm getting the hang of it, and I climbed a V1 I was struggling with the other week and even did 2/3rds of a V3.
I got on the train. On the train, I worked. At work I did my PRs. I asked for reviews and pumped out code. I feel I am intimidating my coworkers on what was supposed to be an easy week with my manager out, but I don't care. I genuinely enjoy coding and being productive, but I suppose that's the workaholic in me.
I had a one-on-one with the coworker I had a crush on. She's my senior after all. I couldn't get the words out on our walk. When I got excitable I noticed that she felt something was off. Imagine someone who was usually stoic and deadpan all of a sudden started to be expressive. I think you'd feel a bit uncomfortable too.
She bought a house recently. I won't disclose more since it's her life. But I hoped everything went well for her and that she made the right decision.
For some reason, today I felt off. Like I couldn't be vulnerable with how I really feel. I just felt. Felt like I was alone. I was excited, nervous, and felt a lot of things, a lot different than my numb, old, and depressed self. I think other people felt it too.
I was supposed to ask my friend for a ride to the motorcycle dealership in East Bay, about half an hour, but he seemed to perhaps dislike doing me a favor. I decided against it and told him I'd be okay taking the BART train down.
My old boss offered to ride the train with me up to San Francisco. I'd rather not. There's still a strange relationship where he's above me in hierarchy, and it feels strange with that contract broken.
Plus, he doesn't make me feel good about myself at all. He unfortunately drains my energy.
After working until my former boss left, I got on the train and played a few games of chess. Lots of pretty girls. Lots of me just staring out the window, watching the rolling hills and sunset. The train passes the bay waters in quite a few places, so I look across to see the shimmers.
I'm lonely.
On my bike ride back home, I notice a crowd of runners gathered around Oracle Park. There were a lot of cute girls there too. I just smiled inwardly and kept cycling home. I stopped by the grocer to grab some chicken thigh for dinner, and now I sit here writing this blog.
I've never had sex. Am I sexually frustrated? I must be.
More importantly, I don't think I've had a proper conversation in a while. I'm an outcast that landed in an enviable position living in a big city doing big city things, but I don't think I've actually changed anything about myself.
I make small talk at work. Then I make conversations oriented towards being inquisitive to other people. I don't know. I'm sad. I'm the big sad. And I don't have anyone to talk about my life or to hold me.
Or maybe, it's that I don't trust anyone to say how I feel or to hold me.
Relationships
I don't understand them really. I don't feel connected much with anyone at all.
The world is what we define it as, sure. But I certainly feel disconnected with the people around me.
Maybe the answer is to stop fighting against this alienation and to just accept it with open arms. Feel it through and through. Feel the loneliness, the despair, the sadness, and all of it raging inside of me...
Perhaps after falling in a deep sleep I'll feel better.