Living up to my Potential
December 18th, 2024
I only recently learned that self-actualization in a form means "living up to your potential." I dug deeper and I started to understand why some people are liked or not liked or there's just something about certain people that you can't help but to want to help them out.
I think self-actualization is that quality, and I have a friend C who's like that. Sure, he's in a rough spot in life, but I'd consider him self-actualized because of how funny and real he is.
Same with my director at my company F, I can feel this quality radiating out of him. He's just, easy to talk to, and you want to talk to him, and he wants to talk to you in only the most sincere and genuine way.
And for my coworker J who is like this, who really no bars continues to be completely sincere and accepting of his own nature. My other coworker J is just a really good worker, and I can tell sometimes that he's holding himself back from being completely honest.
And for me, I do hold back. A lot. I hold back what I think a lot because I don't have the proper soft skills to disagree and an amicable way. I suppose I just haven't practiced with anyone to do it.
Living up to my potential... perhaps I already know what I need to do and how I want to act. No, rather than what I need, I know what I really am like ?
Do I know myself? I still struggle with that question, because in different situations I'll catch myself responding completely differently. It's a bit of a mystery even for myself.
I know that if you put me in a crowd of people or loud noises, I'll sort of dissociate and blank out. Like I can't think straight. Also I'm really picky on my food because most of it will upset my stomach (I know, I know.)
But I'll also go out of my way to be inclusive and talk to people. I'm pretty self compassionate save for the times I turn my brain off and don't think. I have a sort of gut feeling if something is offensive or not, but sometimes I can't put it into words.
Am I proud of myself? Not in the slightest. But I think I ought to, because at this rate I'll lose my job.
I don't think you can think through to self-actualization. I think this is some sort of process, some sort of feelings that have to wash and unwash over you. Sometimes you'll be self-actualized, and sometimes you won't.
The more I age, the less important I feel words are. The more I feel actions are.
Therapy Sucks
I realized reinforcing thought patterns by telling other people about your issues is not a good way to solve things. It's like those rooms where you break stuff, and that studies show that these rooms reinforce violence as a natural response to stress. Not the best solution in my opinion.
Also, I come from an immigrant household, and the method of thought is completely different than western thought. I still see the family as a single unit. It's hard to put into the words and abstractions.
Uniqueness on the Internet
I don't feel unique in my life, though in my real life I really am. It's as if most of my waking free time is spent curating content on the internet and watching it until my brains blow out of my skull. This sort of life just sucks in my opinion.
But it's not as if I want to go out and talk to people. Meet new people. Do I really find satisfaction doing that? Really?
Let's be real and honest with myself, do I enjoy talking to people? No. At best I feel like they make me feel better against my sense of impounding loneliness, but it's not as if dopamine surges in my brain and I feel excited to see people.
But dopamine does surge in my brain immensely when I see people I love and care for deeply. It makes me act differently. Definitely.
I'll reflect back, do I look forward to seeing people in my routine day-to-day? I guess I do. But to be honest it feels like I can't be emotionally vulnerable around people.
There's just something in my brain that tells me that it's not okay to be emotionally vulnerable like what I do on this blog. Pour my feelings out in a massive text dump and so on and so on.
I think it's okay. Just to be honest and express how I feel and not be emotionally vulnerable or not express how I feel. I think all of it is fine. It's part of life. It's part of the process. Sometimes I forget that too and it's fine.
My ambition feels sated now that I make "a lot of money" to be honest with you.