Letting Life Happen to You
June 26, 2022
A Letter to the Traumatized and Myself
For the majority of my life (of which I was a child,) I let life happen to me. Instead of reining it into my own hands, I let life grab me by the neck and wring me around like a wet towel.
Everyone starts this way, especially as children where your fate is left to an adult's whims. For me, part of adulthood is taking back responsiblility of my life and setting it in the correct direction.
But not everyone is able to do that as quickly as expected. Why? Because of a lack of belief. There's an oddity in this generation's parenting that's focused on de-clawing the next generation's ability to fend for themselves or even believe in themselves. Perhaps it's a veiled narcissism of needing the validation and attention of your offspring, and de-clawing is just one step of the way to making that a permanency.
It's hard or impossible to believe in yourself if you've been exposed to trauma and abuse. If you've had your fair share of unfair troubles, then you're going to find difficulty in overcoming and empowering yourself.
To the one reading this, I won't ever understand your troubles. If you tell me, I'll be able to sympathize and envision what you've seen and gone through, but I'll never be able to truly empathize and say "I've been where you are." Because I haven't. Our experiences are too unique for that to be truly truthful.
It goes to say: you've seen some things.
Things that you wish would never happen to another child. Things that you would never wish another human being would have to experience. Things that were truly terrible, and that happened to you. And remembering those things might hurt you, the child you, the adult you, whoever it may be, it hurts to remember what happened.
It's screwed you over. The things the trauma has left behind. The things the trauma has ruined for you in your life. How you can't trust other people, or that you can't seem to get over seeing some things in public. It's scarred you.
Not everyone has to live through this sort of bullshit. It's not fair. Why did it have to happen to you?
I ask that sort of question from time to time. And how people judge me for being so skinny and small not knowing why that's the case. How people judge me for things that happened to me, and not for how I handled things. It frustrates me.
But recently, I've found my answer to the trauma.
The answer is to find strength in the trauma, for that exact reason. It's complete bullshit and it doesn't happen to everyone, yet, you are still here. You're still here sitting and reading. That's real strength. Not that trust fund baby kid who had great, rich parents teaching them every step of the way. Real strength is experiencing trauma right in the face and be left still standing.
You should be proud. Maybe some people are judging you for being a bit battered and bruised. But the fact is that you lived through all that and are still here.
For me, I know that I shouldn't be here. A normal person would have just ended it already, but I'm still here. I'm sure it's like that for many of the traumatized. You shouldn't be here, but you still fought and are still here. Even if you pretend it's out of cowardice, or you pretend and lie to yourself saying it's for you parents, the fact is: you're still here. You made the decision to take strength and stay.
Look at yourself in the mirror and accept the fact: you are worthy of living.
You are compassionate, empathizing, strong, and worthy. Of all the trauma that's been done to you, you could've done worse to the world. You could have chosen to leave the world. You could have done all sorts of wrongs to the world. But you didn't.
That is why you're worthy. Take that message deep in your heart, and accept it.
That you are self-compassionate. You are empathizing. You are a sensitive, good individual. That you are not a victim anymore, but you are a champion of your troubles. You have lived through terror and still stand.
You are worthy of youre self-love. You can love yourself, because you're a champion.
Taking it Back
Now, let's be real. That might be the sappiest thing you've ever read. But let's be real. Trauma isn't exactly the most peaceful thing. It's dramatic.
But logically speaking, you are a champion if you've experienced events that evoke feelings of dread or self-harm. You're a champion because you're still here. Despite the world trying to convince you to lose it all, you've won instead. You're here.
I just wish that somebody told me that it's okay to love yourself. I always thought it was a narc thing to do, but it's completely healthy. You should love who you are and who you are to become.
It's not sinful to like who you are. In fact it's healthy. I wish somebody told me that, especially in the household I grew up in.
It's okay to love yourself. Love who you are. Especially through all the things you've been through. Just remember that, and you'll easily find a reason to like who you've become. Despite of all that, you're a good person after all. I definitely deserve a happy life. I definitely deserve to have a peaceful life. And, I definitely deserve to love myself, especially after all I've seen. And, so do you.
I just really needed to write this down. Not sure if anyone will find it useful.
So yeah. Don't let life happen to you. Love yourself, and you'll find the will to take your life in control back. Because, well, you deserve it.