Knees
September 4th, 2025
Yesterday, three of us were having a discussion at work. My coworker who sits next to me overheard, and we invited her over to get her input especially since she's a component specialist.
She deliberate scooted her chair over and bumped knees with me, and left her knees on mine for a good few seconds. I spun my chair away after a few seconds. I might be overthinking this, but I think she's flirting with me? Or perhaps it's good that she feels comfortable enough to have physical contact with me when scooting her chair.
But she's just recently got engaged and is (effectively) married. I don't know if I'm imagining things or if I'm stretching things too far.
Maybe we're close enough friends that she feels comfortable touching me. I notice another coworker does the same, but he's much older and probably sees the relation as a mentor giving me a pat on the back.
Now that I think about it, it's good that our environment is welcoming enough for women. Writing this out, I realize many tech cultures deliberately wouldn't bring her into the conversation because she's a woman. Such a shame because there are so many talented engineers out there.
Not to distract from the fact our workplace still has a ways to go. Many bad things are happening where I work, but acknowledging the good is a happy step.
Anyway, yeah. Regardless of how she truly feels, I won't be doing anything. She's engaged, and I don't even know if she really sees me that way.
Now, if you're asking if I think she's attractive: yes, she really cute. But you can find your coworkers and friends attractive and not be strange about it. It's nicer being an adult this way.
Two Wheels
For whatever reason, cycling downhill really fast calmed me down for a day after. There's something about being on two wheels and going fast in that flow state, leaning to one side or zig-zagging in a droopy street route.
In the days after I just feel that serene calm. There's just something that clicks in my brain. Keanu Reaves described this phenomenon in 2019 GQ interview:
When I don't ride a motorcycle, I go through withdrawal. It's not good for my health.
Right now I am looking for that feeling again. It's hard to explain.
The Past
My friend J engaged me and talked about his ADHD diagnoses. He lamented that his inability to focus was affecting his potential.
His visit to the psychiatrist didn't yield the adderall he was looking for: they instead diagnosed him with a form of OCD and provided prescriptions for serotonin-regulators. He then proceeded to retroactively justify the diagnosis as true.
I asked him again if this diagnosis served to alleviate the original reason for the visit, but that much is unclear. He said he will be returning in search of a proper ADHD diagnosis later on.
We chatted a bit about the philosophy behind medication. I brought up the point that it alters behavior, and its hard to draw the line between disorder and self-identity. He brought up the point of medication stigma, and I related to him, stating that drinking lots of animal fat and heavy cream also changes behavior (the toilet) and from a philosophical perspective effectively isn't different than medication.
But he brought up my traumatic experiences before, which strangely threw me back into a bad headspace. I could feel the wrong neurons firing and myself slowly morphing into a state of learned helplessness once again.
When I'm in that state, three realizations usually help me:
- The limits of my language are the limits of my world. The world is all that is the case.
- Action before reaction. Motion before emotion. Present before past. Forwards, not backwards.
- To accept the fate of the world and love it with my dearest heart. So be it!
I trusted him as a friend enough to tell him about my traumatic experiences, but I know deep down that there's judgement to be had from onlookers. Regardless that it's not my fault I will be judged for it as if it were my own sin. I accept.
Moving forward and forward. Not backwards.
PPO
The company health insurance will let me continue my therapy sessions. I'll need to switch off my parents to continue them.
Spending
I've been spending a lot. Good, but also bad.
But my life has gotten better. I feel like I'm accomplishing something with my life, and I'm getting better at enjoying it for what it's worth. I think a lot of people enjoy their lives, it's funny it took me so long to realize I should make an effort to enjoy mine.
Questions and Curiosity
Do you want to know what separates the successful from the not successful? It is their curiosity for knowing and understanding.
And not only their curiosity, but their ability to be efficient in their understanding. Then the ability to extrapolate that understanding to second-order, third-order, and even nth-order effects.
Every C-suite executive I've spoken with. Every highly successful person I've met. They all have one thing in common:
They ask really, really good questions. Questions that answer nth-order effects downstream.
Someone who believes in you
My new manager believes in me. I can feel his confidence in me. It's actually insane how much more productive I am just because of that.