Dreams of a Jian
December 29, 2022
"The Jian, also known as "the bird that shares wings" only posses one wing. Unless a male and female pair lean on each other and act as one, they are incapable of flight. They're imperfect, incomplete creatures. But for some reason, their way of life struck me as profoundly beautiful. It was beautiful, I felt." --Darling in the Franxx
Yes, I just quoted Darling in the Franxx, and I'll do it again.
I talked to my grandmother recently, and she's let me know that she's contacting her distant relatives to find me an arranged partner. She told me it's hard for men to marry over here in the U.S., and she knows a lot of male relatives in their 30s within the family that have not married despite being rich. I assume she's fearful I'll end up the same.
I'm 22 years old. I guess twenty two and a half now. My little sister and her boyfriend are asking me when I'll find someone. My cousins and uncles and aunts are all starting to wonder the same, even in a mocking tone. Both of my grandmothers now too. I don't have a grandfather still alive.
I feel like I need a smoke. A lot of them. To blow away my troubles. Fresh air for the soul.
me.
There was a girl I talked to. Many girls I talked to. But everytime it becomes personal, I'm left holding a mirror staring directly at myself. I can see I'm a horrible person. And in a way that self-perpetuates the cycle of actually being a horrible person.
I've noticed that if I stay distant with people I can maintain safe and likeable relations. Not ones where I have to face who I really am crawling underneath this meat suit. A terrible, terrible person.
I can't even imagine what it'd be like to marry. I can't even imagine what I'd say to them on the first date. The first anniversary. I can't imagine how I'd treat them after an argument. I can't even believe it's in me to keep someone around that long.
I feel like I'm shadowboxing, and the only thing I can picture is getting punched in the gut over and over again. That's what thinking about love feels like. Why? I don't know. It's just masochistic activity.
I can't even imagine the goodness that comes out of romantic love anymore. It's an alien concept to me.
I'd rather be smoking
I don't know why I've been obsessing about smoking but it's gotten me. I really could use a smoke right now. I don't want to think of all the things expected of me and how I'm a loser and whatever that negative energy shit is being thrown at me now.
I'm... in a pretty bad spot. Always have been. I don't know. I don't care.
Jian
I wonder what it's like being married and tied down. Being with another human being. Intimate. Connected. Like, as if someone actually knows you exist and knows you for who you are. It's so foreign of a concept to me these "love" words I'm writing aren't really ideas to me, they're just... words.
Maybe one day I'll be taken out of my misery. I think I'll be staying pretty far away from my family. They're... quite frustrating. Like a mirror to my wounds. Or something poetic like that. Fuck. I fucking hate this shitty life.
I can't even figure out what I want to do. Ahhh...
