Jekyll and Hyde
February 18th, 2025
I affirm that as of late, I've been indulging in my emotions and feelings a lot. Too much even. My therapist recommended me to be kind and compassionate to my emotions and to accept them as they are. That there are "parts" of me.
I've been reading into the methodology she's recommended me to engage in which is "Internal Family Systems." She says I'm relatively well-acquainted with the terminology and is too self-aware for talk therapy to be any good. She's right. I know how nonsensical my feelings are, and I've ignored them for a long time.
I've ignored them for such a long time I had castrated my sense of anger. It's been a while since I've seen that guy, the guy that would want to genocide the world because of his entitlement and arrogance. The guy that thinks he deserves to be treated like a king.
I realized I dissociate when that guy comes around. When that anger wells up, and that feeling of asserting my needs comes up, I start to dissociate. I also dissociate when I feel unsafe, and I make myself feel unsafe.
I think if this continued going on forward, I would develop a form of dissociative identity disorder. I'm glad I caught it now and early.
The issue is re-integrating this self with the compassionate self, such that I can bring a happy medium. I don't want to feel such strong emotions to murder and kill at the workplace. It's not a good place to be feeling that.
I'm saddened by how I feel. I feel like my feelings aren't being heard by myself. That I'm not addressing my needs and stuffing them down for suvival sake. That I'm culling my own sense of self just to put food in my stomach and to not get hit.
I guess that's the world for you. But as I get bigger, and there are many people smaller and weaker than me, then what? What will I end up doing to get a sense of control and power? I'm scared of what I'm capable of.
Anger, rage, annoyance, mistreatment all my fucking life. A vent.
Fuck this gay earth. I fucking hate how unfair this stupid fucking gay earth is. I hate how everything thinks they have it worse than me, I hate how everyone just invalidates how I feel, and I hate how everything in my life just seems to be meaningless to other people.
I hate how people are oblivious to my pain. I hate how lonely and afraid I am. I hate how much pain I feel and that there's not a single FUCKING person on this planet that wants to share the pain with me. There's not a single FUCKING person on this planet that cares how I feel.
I hate it so much, I hate is with a scorching rage that I just want to watch this stupid fucking world burn. I want to see the terrorists attack this stupid fucking country, and for the military to start its campaign across the entire fucking continent. I can't fucking wait until Trump just unleashes hell on this stupid fucking globe.
I hate this world so much, it's so fucking cruel. It's been so cruel to me, it's made me a victim even when I was a goddamn child. Why? Why does this continue? Human greed? Power? A cycle of victims and abusers? I hate it so fucking much.
The cycle just keeps growing and growing and growing, I fucking hate this fucking earth and I wish for this planet to be seized with a freeze and a scorching burning earth. I hate it so much. I hate that I didn't get a nice childhood, I hate that I had to repress myself just to fucking survive all these decades, and I hate the fact my youth was stolen away from me so that I could be used to make the stupid fucking adults in my life feel better about themselves.
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I wish that there was a world like this one that would just burn away. I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT.
I WISH THAT THE COUNTRY WOULD FALL TO RUIN. I WISH THAT THIS WORLD WILL START ANOTHER WAR. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS WORLD BURN. I WANT TO SEE IT BURN.
AND I DON'T CARE IF I GO DOWN WITH IT!!!!!
And I wish this world for peace
And there's a part of me that wish this world could find its peace. There's a part of me that acknowledges other people's suffering, small or big. There's a part of me that doesn't want anymore war, and doesn't want people to go hungry. I wish everyone could find their peace and stop this cycle of abuse.