It's so fucking over
January 29th, 2024
I'm tired of pretending like I'm hee hee ha ha okay. Oh fuck I'm not. Oh fuck no. The angsty teenager is still there, and I'm tired.
I'm fucking tired of myself. I'm fucking tired of my emotions. I'm tired of feeling pulled left and right and up and down and not being competent enough. I'm tired of being a burden, and I'm tired of not being enough.
It's so fucking over.
I just hate myself. I hate myself so much. I wish. I wish I were a different person entirely. I wish that one day, with the souls reborn, and the angels hailing from the sky, and that skyline I see out there in the distance, that shore out in the sea, the skies colliding with the earth, and with the howls of a moonlight that'll never send, that, that I would be someone entirely different.
I wish, with all my heart, that I were a normal human being.
I wish, I wish, I wish, that with all my heart, that I had grown up to be a normal human being.
I wish hadn't grown up like this, feeling like this, feeling like I was disqualified as a human being. I wish I hadn't. I wish I was more. I wish I was enough.
It feels as if the dams were overloaded, and the emotions surged forth. I'm feeling it all. The self-loathing. The hatred. The frustrations. The anger. The depression. The sadness. I feel it all.
I feel as if angels could carry me off into the sky now, and drop me down, would we reach the end of the sky?
A chorus of eyes cast a downward gaze onto my nubile body, brushing it again and again with their stares. I feel it, I feel the shame, I feel the ghastly shame and the endless opium oozing from my skin. The thoughts in my mind race to rip it off. Locus of control after locus of control, it's just yelling and screaming at me to rip my skin apart.
It's raw, it's all so raw, the emotions I feel. It's so strong and aggressive and overpowering and overwhelming. I can hear screams from the sky, they're wanting to see me return.
I can't handle emotions like this. They're so strong. Why are they so strong? For what reason? And what should I do? I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm depressed, I'm trying to come to amends. I am trying and trying and trying.
It's as if, my eyes were shrieking for help. I can't handle it at all. The world is collapsing, collapsing, collapsing, yet I look outside and someone is having a stroll.
The world doesn't care for me I feel. I feel that way. It's not that way at all. It's just that I'm a lost young boy in a man's world. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't understand any of it.
I'm not matured. I'm not anything. I'm just trying to do as I'm expected. I'm trying to push for more responsibility. I'm trying to mature. I'm trying to be that superman. I'm trying to be competent like the rock society wants me to be. I'm trying and trying and trying and trying.
But what of it? I don't understand. I don't understand at all.
Puer Aeternus, Puer Aeternus, Puer Aeternus! Come to the light little boy. See what it is and see what to do!
Emotional Accountability
I need to take care of my emotions. I get that. But what if my emotions are too much? What then? I'm not sure I understand, Mr. Rogers.
My emotions, my emotions, my emotions... what?
Do I need to drink Mr. Rogers? Would I be oh, so Puer Aeternus anymore?
It stings because it's true.
I'm a perfectionist, and that makes me fear failure. I'd rather not try than to face my losses. I don't understand why this is the case, but I think it's common amongst my peers who have been pressured at a young age to succeed.
ChatGPT Therapy
It worked. I calmed down. Somehow I remember not to identify with how I'm feeling.
I think I should stay in therapy.
Content Overload
The year is 2025, and America is overloaded with content. I realize the issue of scrolling over and over. It's hard to process how you feel about each thing you observe or feel, and then you ignore how you feel and keep scrolling.
It doesn't practice mindfulness at all, and we don't stop to think how these things affect us. Just slow down for a moment and ask yourself, "how do you feel about that?"