Insecurity
July 28, 2022
I am a very insecure person. I am very sensitive and vulnerable to certain things.
And to be honest, I've tried to deny and hide that. But that ends today.
I think the goal is obviously to expose myself. Me and my vulnerabilities. Expose my weak spots. Expose the spots that'll make me cry.
Because I'm weak.
Mentally speaking I'm very weak. I've been beaten down and had a bad voice in my head for a long time now. That's what's keeping me back from being a good speaker.
I am shaken. So shaken. I have so many things I'm insecure about. I'm insecure about the way I look. My voice. My life. Everything. The number of friends I have.
The fact that I don't feel a close bond to any of them. Somehow I've gone through this life without any of it, and without any intimacy with pretty much anyone.
That whole spiel about being yourself? Somehow I've reverted. I've realized that a lot of people at work don't like me. I'm depressed and tired and sad.
But perhaps the bad thing isn't that I'm being myself, but the fact I'm just so depressing to be around.
Throwing that on other people... what are they supposed to do?
But... how do I solve my depression?
My social life?
And that?
Hampered by my depression.
So maybe a key lies in the insecurities I have and hold. It makes me sad to think about it, but I'm fucking miserable.
I'm just a sad piece of shit.
So where did that mental image even come from? Where did it begin?
I've talked about my mother before. She kind of treated me badly, like, I was a sad sack piece of shit. Actually, she still does. I think she sees me as a helpless baby still. No changing that, but that's not a good mental image to be given.
My father treats me like I'm retarded. He doesn't really believe I can be anything or anyone.
My uncles don't realy acknowledge me or care about me. The one uncle I trusted molested me, and the others really are just quiet shy and lonely people like I am.
My grandfathers both passed away when I was at a young age.
Most of the adults in my life haven't given me a good voice when I was a child. This is where it starts.
As a child, I was fairly confident. I ran around and played. But one day I became abnormally shy and withdrawn.
My teachers at school belittled me.
My peers hated me. Kids are cruel. But it only heightened the sense of desperation to be liked.
I remember being last for shit like kickball or shit like that. I wasn't very good at sports so I didn't earn any respect there.
Kids on the tennis team wanted me off. I was just so bad.
The marching band didn't really believe in me. My band directors called me out and trashed me routinely.
My private lesson teacher did believe in me. I feel a confidence in him.
I think my boss at work believed in me when she hired me. I feel like I should believe in her.
Believe in the you who believes in yourself. I remember something like that. Why is that popping up in my head? I think it's because all the voices in my life told be to piss off. Everyone around me hated my guts. They thought I was sad or depressed or hateful and needed a good yelling.
Or is it just my perception? I don't know. I feel like gaslighting myself like this isn't helpful.
Let's just be straight. Such a negative voice was put in my head as a kid. My parents definitely contributed to making me a negative nancy who want's to fucking die and end it all.
So how do you release trauma like this? How do you rebuild a new habit?
How do you break down old habits and rebuild new ones?
If I remember correctly, you have to do this: stop doing the old habit. Do the new habit.
Stop typing, stop researching. Just do it. Stop the bad voices in your head. Stop the unecessary cursing.
And to be honest, to a certain extent I don't think the bad thoughts even surfaced. It's all subconscious.
Hold on, if it's subconscious lack of confidence, then how the fuck do you solve that? How the fuck do you solve bad voices in the subconscious level?
I'm not sure. But let's think for a second: how did the subconscious even generate in the first place?
Environment? That's depressing to think about, but sure. What else? Mindset? The thoughts?
The stoics argued that your perception of environment matters more than the environment itself. Maybe there's truth in that component.
Maybe, the paradigm I was blessed with at a young age was such an awful one that I interpreted everything around me as awful.
Maybe, I saw myself always as the victim of things when growing up because of my mother's voice.
No, rather it was my voice. My voice was victimizing myself.
Sure, it came from my mother. But realy it's mine now. I have to own it.
So it's the paradigm of consciousness that affected my subconscious so drastically that I'm turbo depressed all the time. My mind is always cloudy and ridiculous and tired.
And that mindset follows me everywhere.
That mindset gifted to me at birth or through nurture. Analytical. Scheming. Pessimistic. Tired. Depressed.
So then... to change the subconscious feelings of depression anxiety and anhedonia...
What should first change is the consciousness. The actual thought. Then that will trickle down into the brain matter and heal it. Hopefully.
Perhaps that's why most people of Jesus Christ are healthy. They thank the lord everyday and beg forgiveness for their sins. One, the practice gratitude, and two, they accept their faults as is and humbly ask for forgiveness.
The two core attributes of any healthy human being: thankfulness and acceptance.
Humility is a good once, but isn't as necessary as what's on the inside. Understanding. Gratitude. Acceptance. These things are so, so important.
No more angsty cursing. I think these blogs really represent what's going in my mind. It's a toxic wasteland. And I am a toxic wasteman. It makes me sad to realize it so late in my life, I'm already 22.
I think I do a good job of hiding it though. I know it's a wasteland in there, so I try to smile and be positive but most people see through it. I realize now that I need to spend time remediating the inside instead of messing with the outside so much.
That the outside should reflect the inside, of course. That sincerity is what draws people in. It's what attracts us to other people.
So here's the breakthrough: be kind to yourself, and ask forgiveness for the mistakes of yourself.
And, when you are kind to yourself, you become kind to everyone else too. It's about seeing that.
Just this realization of gratitude and acceptance, kind of like, a holy thing: it makes me feel a lot better. And a lot more at ease. That I'm thankful the world is as it is and that... I accept it for how it is. I accept for how I am. The mistakes I made. I forgive myself.
Knowing that I'll always forgive myself, and that I'll always be thankful is helpful. Ciao.